This is tonight. She’s 16 and almost 17, Senior and a lifeguard and on swim team, her parents divorced and then her father ODd last year. Her single mother is chainsmoking pillpopping nervous wreck, a shell of a woman, fragile, emotional, irrational.. her drunkassed mom has straight up told me twice while on this swim team trip late at night barely able to stand up while smelling heavily of cheap bourbon and vomit and stale cigarettes that she wants to f*** me and have my babies but that her tubes are tied and her s*** has fallen out and it’s “all dry and fucked up inside there, maybe cancer it’s a goddamn mess” and then she cried herself to sleep in my bed

My wife left me two years ago when Was hammered and stoned after my 40th birthday and I accidentally got my best friends now ex wife pregnant by accident while on a family vacation- she’s also technically my second cousin and 13 years younger than me so it’s an adjustment – I told her I’ll give money and she can have custody if she wants. I only have split custody of my middle daughter, she’s 9 and on the swim team: but – this is so f****** weird – because the judge was also apparently a former swim team parent who had a daughter swim in college a few years ago He took it way easier on me as a Swim Parent and one of the few Swim Dads and he also said I have Custody on any weekend there is a swim meet unless her mom is taking her – and her mom hates swim team and dance line and jazz dance and every goddamn extra curricular we signed her up for but whatever

My 9 year old daughter was down the hall in a hotel room in a room full of 10-12 year old girls and the room of 13-14 year old girls was adjoining and they were all goofing around being crazy girls like they do. The 15-19 boys were of course sneaking into the room with the 15-18 year old girls and I pretended I saw nothing – I know none of these girls are on birth control because nobody wants the weight gain for competition , I m betting none of these boys has ever bought anfucking condom (I never use condoms either) and we’ll now that Abortion is banned – that’s how we get multiple teen pregnancies

Now flashback to when I got back from Iraq in the national guard in 2005 and had first been a prison guard and then occasionally put on patrol outside base perimeter until Mike stepped on the IED tripwire and it billed him and Ronnie and I got hit in the face with a piece of shrapnel- I was lucky lucky lucky – back to prison after hospital and I see some crazy s***** torture and well, I did some. The army never courts marshaled me. But I seen all that Abu Ghraib type s*** and a lot worse , I’ve jerked off muslim men who were crying while ramming things up thwir a****** and I told them that now they were homosexual and would be going to hell forever – shoved a bunch of other things up there after I recovered from the IED accident and I also lost 100% of hearing in my left ear and 80% of hearing in my right. I have to wear a f****** hearing aid everyday the rest
Of my life. So some prisoners were raped . A little. I might have been involved. I’ve already made my pleas deal and

I never even fired my rifle. Not once except at the base range. The one time my platoon got attacked in an ambush I f****** s*** myself and hid behind a truck with an Iraqi woman and her 3 kids . I cried. The girl who couldn’t have been more than 19 told me it would be ok. I’d be ok.

I’m such a f****** coward.

In 2007 I was back stateside again and signed up as a substitute teacher and we’ll that’s how I accidentally got a teenage girl pregnant again . One girl who was almost 17 and I should have known better. Now my oldest daughter is 14 and hates my guts. She knows I’m a f****** slime ball. That her mom was underaged. Her mom hated me for many years, but recently since my business started doing better – and uh, since The Court forced me to get sober after my second DWI in January 2020 – I’ve gotten back into weight lifting and swimming and tennis and hell even golf and last fall bow hunting for the first time – didn’t get anything – other than a camping hatchet I think the bow that was given to me by my ex father in law as a Christmas present three years ago is maybe the only weapon I’ve owned since getting back from Iraq in 2007 and that October when I tried to kill myself with an old Police Glock I had bought at a gun show . I gave that pistol to my father – but then when he died from Covid it got put in storage like so much other s*** so I guess I have the keys to the unit and maybe it still has the box of hollow point ammo in the old range bag my father had for it, and his 1911 .45 that I grew up thinking was so cool -just like his M-1A rifle and his wingmaster 12 gauge shotgun I inherited but are both locked up in the footlocker of the storage unit – his old camping gear is there too – I have the key, hell it’s even on my keychain

This beautiful 16 year old girl was crying in my hotel room earlier tonight trembling – she was wearing loose cotton shorts and an oversized XL tshirt that made it look like she had no shorts on and then her f****** Birkenstocks she and all the other girls wear all the g******* time. I swear all these teenage girls in Birkenstocks reminds me of the f****** 90s except the other thing these girls do is wear all white tennis shoes without socks not just like keds but like cheerleading shoes or dance shoes or ballet flats barefoot but basically they’re always barefoot bc swimming and during the winter some girls wear uggs I guess but

Caitlyn was crying . I held her and hugged her like a father and then we’ll… I got hard . So hard. Harder than I had been in years.

And I kinda have ED. If you have not struggled with Erectile Dysfunction yet – just wait. You’re 40s are coming and it’s f****** terrible.

So she could feel it. Like it was very obvious and I pulled her body close to mine. She was crying because she said she had a crush on me and she was a virgin and she was ashamed that she didn’t like any boys her own age but they were all just so stupid and such jerks and I was always so nice to her … it didn’t hurt that she’s also got a huge f****** nose that makes her look so Jewish – which I think is beautiful – but a lot of other kids make fun of her for having a “beak” and she is so self conscious about her big nose and she should be like a popular cheerleader girl but she is always depressed and anxiety ridden and has severe self esteem issues and also like her mother she throws up all the time …

She clearly struggles with Bulimia . She smelled like vomit when she came to my room. Apparently someone had s******* molested her before she was 14, maybe when she was 11 or 12. She didn’t say who. I didn’t ask.

Her mother embarrassed her again at dinner getting so drunk in front of all the other kids and parents.

She wants to run away with me she said.

Goddamn that’s so f****** tempting

I tried to tell her it would be ok and that she could go to sleep in her room but she cried again and begged me to let her spend the night in my room and she promised she’d be good and would go back to her room by 6am

I’m in denial right now.

16 is actually the age of consent here in Arkansas and

So it’s not illegal

I don’t think my 14 year old would ever forgive me
like ever

I’m sure if I tried anything I’d get slapped away and arrested like the f****** deviant pervert that I am

I should go into the woods and chop my own d*** off with this Bear Grylls knife I bought a few years ago as a Christmas present “from Santa” just before Covid hit –

The last Christmas I was together with my family

It’s almost all I have left after the divorce

That and about one suitcase full of work / business dress clothes and one gym bag full of gym clothes and a dark grey Northface jacket and some Hoka One One running shoes and one work laptop backpack with power cords and laptop and work crap and one coyote brown camelBak MULE that was kinda like what I carried in Iraq with like an old Leatherman multi tool and an LED flashlight and a spare battery pack, a first aid kit and some granola bars and a bottle of water in my mini bug out bag and yeah that’s about it –

My ex wife took everything else I owned . Literally.

Sorry to rant so long and I feel like a failure

I am a failure as a man .