I hate other men because I desperately am afraid of being them. I despise what I see as macho, alpha male, small brained man children. I make a big thing about them being afraid of their own emotions and me being the bigger and better man because I’m an adult blah blah blah. But then I do something stupid and I’m self harming, hitting myself, punching myself, twisting my fingers, going down that horrible horrible spiral I do when something is 100% my fault and I feel all of that profound annoyance I do at the men I constantly place myself as better than but this time it’s directed all at me. But then when I think about how I’m acting I get angrier and angrier until I want to knock my own f****** nose off my face. I’m patient with others. I’m actually incredibly adept at conflict management. But when I 100% messed something up and was the cause of the problem I’m afraid of myself sometimes. So I’m sitting here, venting to some f****** vent website so nobody will see it on my SO’s birthday trying desperately to calm down because I fucked up a stupid little project I was doing and ruined a hat I was trying to restore. I hate myself so f****** much. I hate that I’m so mad about this. I hate that I always ruin what I try to fix. I hate hate hate hate hate how I’m reacting to this but I can’t stop. I’m just as bad as those whiny f****** entitled men that I hate.