I’ve been in a stable, happy and fulfilling relationship with my girlfriend for almost 4 years. Let’s call her G. We moved in together almost 2 years ago, and we’re even buying an appartment together. There’s some things we still have to sort out about what we want for our futures, but we aren’t rushing anything. Our families get along well, so there’s really no inherent issues in our relationship.

But I’ve been having some conflicting thoughts lately. I’ve has this close friend for about eight years, let’s call her E. She’s older than me, we met at a previous job where she mentored me. We became very close, and I fell in love with her back then (like, really head over heels for her). But due to some past experiences, I was terrified of telling her how I felt. I was too slow, so during those years, I even had to witness her take a boyfriend and break up with him like a year later. When I finally mustered the courage to tell her how I felt, she rejected me because of our age difference and because she felt we could only be friends. She said she wanted to keep it that way. So I accepted that, and promised myself I’d move on. A year later, I met G and we fell in love. E decided to study in another country, with plans to stay and live abroad. We stayed in touch, as friends but for me, it was a very definitive closure: she’d move away, and I’d stay here with someone I loved. E threw a farewell party, and that was the last time I saw her.

But things changed. My relationship with G flourished even amidst the pandemic. Meanwhile, E’s plans changed: she didn’t adjust to living abroad and, when the pandemic hit, she finally decided to move back home. We text a lot, but something changed along the way. I can’t pinpoint at what moment it happened, but I have a hunch that E’s feelings changed, even if she doesn’t express it openly. It’s in the things she says, or how she stopped asking me about G somewhere down the line. I may be mistaken, but something started feeling different. But an important detail: G isn’t aware that I was in love with E. I decided to tell her because I never thought it’d be a problem. In fact, when they met, they got along very well.

Last week, fortuitously, I saw E again for the first time in years. We spent a few hours together over some drinks, and all the feelings came flooding back. I could also feel something was different with her, but nothing was said. However, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her.

Which, honestly, has made me feel extremely s***** about myself. I have something very good going with G, something I had been looking for my whole life after a lot of trauma and bad relationships. Now, I would never cheat on her (I’ve been cheated on and I know how devastating that can be), and it’s not even like I’m SURE E reciprocates my feelings. But I know this is emotional infidelity, amd while I can’t change or deny how I feel about E, it also makes me feel like the worst person in the world. Because, if I were faced with the chance to have something with E, I would seriously consider it, which is terrible. G has been nothing but an excellent partner, I do love her a lot and she deserves nothing but the best. But it’s hard to come to grips with the fact that maybe, that feeling is not mutually exclusive with what I feel for E.

I’m just so confused, man…