Started young. I’m 25 now. I feel s******* ashamed for taboo lusts and fantasies. For m*********** and watching perverted p***. I guess something about the taboo stuff was exciting and different?
It doesn’t do it for me anymore though.
Consuming p********** and especially m*********** makes me feel guilty and pathetic. I hardly do that anymore but it’s a bad habit that’s hard to kick.
I have a girlfriend now. I want to be better for her.
But I’ve cheated on her in the past.
I cut ties deleted numbers and got rid of social media
to try and distance myself from those mistakes and to focus on the relationship.
But I feel undeserving of love.
I’ve been cheated on in the past and this time around idk I guess I didn’t let myself fully commit or believe in the relationship.
I was insecure and actually was convinced she was cheating on me anyways.
But still I regret cheating so much because I see that she’s different than the others.
She deserves better than me but I love her and all I want to do is change and be someone good.
I oversexualized romance because I was convinced I had to be some sort of s** machine in order to keep a woman. I would watch stuff and take pills 💊 to keep me h**** all the time so that I was always “ready to perform”
I even tried hypnosis videos
It definitely backfired.
It’s cringey to look at my past and see that I was just some brainwashed pervert horn dog that would’ve fucked anyone.
Also…. Drugs.
She knows about some of my mistakes but not all of them.
Obviously my conscience condemns me and calls me liar pervert cheater and all that.
all the guilt and shame has formed some kind of demon in my psyche that torments me and encourages me to hurt myself or stray further down a wicked path. Telling me I can’t do better because I’m trash.

All I can think is to do right moving forward.
I repent and confess that I’ve sinned.
I don’t want to hurt her or anyone else anymore than I have.
I want to make up for it all through right actions.
I want to make her smile and laugh and feel loved and appreciated.
& obviously I want to be someone I can be proud of.

I know I’m a mess. I admit. But now I want to get myself cleaned up

So That’s my fucked up confession