I have a cousin 8 years younger than me who I used to molest. It started when she was 5 years old (making me 12 or 13) when I was at her house for a birthday party, either for her or her one of her siblings. She has a younger brother (middle) and a sister (youngest). There were about a dozen other family members there and my dad and I stayed for an hour or so after everyone else left. Not long before we finally left my cousin comes running out of the bathroom (my aunt was trying to give her a bath) completely naked except shoes and socks with her hands over her nonexistent b**** (because she’s like 5) which I thought was kinda funny because she didn’t try to cover her privates, like she doesn’t even know she has anything down there but she’s hiding t*** that haven’t even grown yet. Once, we were at a playground and she yells out “boys have tails down there!” and I asked her what girls have and she said “girls don’t have anything” so it’s probably true that they’re unaware of their own private part but it’s not like they can see down there without a mirror. Anyway, she runs up to me and asks me to untie her shoes so I kneel down to help her and she puts her foot up on a stool, which wasn’t necessary because I can just sit and take them off with no trouble. Then I look up at her crotch because I can’t help it and I see her p**** and it seems like she’s totally unaware that I’m seeing it even though she probably knows I’m looking there. I looked at it a few times trying not to be obvious about it of course but I can’t help it because I’m curious and I’ve never seen one before. Hell, at this point I’ve never even held hands with a girl, never mind “playing doctor” and this was the 80s so no internet p*** and Dad didn’t subscribe to p****** so I’m totally sheltered. Anyway, the first thing I noticed was that it looked like a little empty hot dog bun, not that I have another girl’s p**** to compare it to so wtf do I know?
It was at that time that I determined that I wanted to touch it. I had an idea about what s** is and I had already been jacking off so I wasn’t a total dope about that stuff. In fact I think I jacked off thinking about her when I got home. So over the next few months or so when I got her alone somewhere I would lay down with her and very slowly put my hands on her to feel her up working towards putting my hand down her pants. The first time I did that I think we were in the back seat of our grandparents’ car on the way to a cabin they had by a lake when we stopped at a grocery store and they left us in the car by ourselves. I remember the feeling of the elastic of her p****** on the back of my hand and it took probably 10 minutes from the time I put my hand on her belly until I actually had it in her pants because I was going so slowly, as if that would keep her from finding out I was doing it. She didn’t say no or try to stop me but she did keep her legs closed which didn’t really matter because I found her p**** anyway. I went low and put my finger inside her but not very far because something stopped me, probably her hymen but I knew almost nothing about female anatomy back then, and I didn’t want to hurt her so I just wiggled my finger a little. She started to get wet and after a few minutes my finger was making a smacking sound in her wet p****. I did this to her occasionally over the next several years when we were at our grandparents’ place which was a four bedroom house so there’s lots of places to hide. I would get in bed with her under the covers and take my d*** out and rub it on her leg. I was never interested in her younger siblings, but one time when I was touching her under the covers and rubbing my d*** on her, her brother came into the room and he wanted to get in bed with us so I let him to keep him from complaining but I didn’t do anything to him, or her while he was there.
Once, she had to use the bathroom so I followed her in and when she sat on the toilet I knelt in front of her while she peed to try and see her p**** but I couldn’t see anything. Then she stood up and I sat on the toilet because I needed to use it too and I had a b**** which stuck up when I sat down. As she walked out of the bathroom she looked over her shoulder and saw my hard d*** and smiled before turning the corner to the hallway. I had to j******* after that. Once I even tried to get her to catch me playing with myself hoping that she would either want to watch (or help lol) but her brother and sister were there too so I couldn’t really do anything without them finding out.
When she was about 11 or 12 (which made me 19 or 20 yikes!) we were at our grandparents’ cabin on the lake and I got it into my head that I wanted to have s** with her and not just feel her up or finger her anymore. That was until she was standing on the dock and I was checking her out her curves which I hadn’t noticed because I got out of basic training a couple weeks before this trip and she came with her parents so I didn’t get a chance to feel her up. Then I looked closer and I’m thinking sonofabitch is she wearing a bra? Holy s*** she is! You gotta be kidding me! That means she has b****! That was probably a good thing because it changed the focus from me f****** her to playing with her t***, which I did put my hands on them a couple times over the weekend. I can’t imagine what might have happened if I ever tried to have s** with her, especially because she was getting older and more likely to complain sooner or later. When I was inside by myself I went through her luggage and stole one of her training bras (32A in case you were wondering) and I used to j******* in it. The material they’re made from feels good plus knowing that it was against her b**** helps. That was one of the last times I touched her, except that a couple months after that she was at my house and I was in my room when she came in wearing those leotard type tights they had in the 90s and stood next to me as I was sitting behind the computer playing a game and I put my finger in her crotch outside of her clothes and made a “come here” motion and I was a little rough in doing it too. She spread her legs and arched her hips toward my hand so I assume it felt good. I didn’t do it for more than a few seconds because her brother walked in but I probably wouldn’t have kept doing it anyway. Her mother might question a wet spot in her pants lol. We did have another encounter when she was a few years older (15 or 16 maybe) at our grandparents’ house. She must have gotten ready for bed because she was wearing a nightgown with no bra which probably made her n****** hard because she rubbed one of them on my arm. I know it was deliberate because she put her b*** up to my arm and brushed her n***** back and forth a few times. We weren’t alone but nobody else saw it. If we were alone I probably would have played with them a little.
The funny thing is that I was never interested in her sister, even when she was at the same age. I didn’t pay much attention to her until she was like 15 or so and had a crush on me but I didn’t pursue anything because I didn’t want the older one to find out.

Honestly I wish I never did anything like that to her. I can blame my stunted development all I want but I’m still the only one to blame for it. I never did anything with girls when I was in school. Rarely had playmates my age. Didn’t lose my virginity until I was like 30. The only s***** contact I had as a teenager was one time hanging out in a hotel room a guy in the room called another room and got this girl to come over and they were hanging out on the bed and I put my hand on her a**. This was when I was going into the army reserve and we were at the entrance station when you first enlist and even in the service I never got laid.

As far as I know my cousin didn’t have any after effects from what I did. Maybe she was too young to remember. I doubt she enjoyed it, even the time in my room when I fingered her crotch. Just because it feels good doesn’t mean she wants it. I wish I knew that back then.

I’m just going to leave well enough alone and not mention anything or even admit it. There’s nothing else to be done. Can’t change the past.