i feel like i’m failing so many people. in my band class, i am really bad at playing my instrument. this would be okay… if i hadn’t been playing for arnd 4-5 years. i feel like i should already be at a high level of playing, yet i can’t even grasp basic concepts. this leads to almost everything i play just sounding bad, especially when i have to play quickly. i have developed so many bad habits that are next-to-impossible to unlearn. since i have band everyday, i feel like i cannot simply fix the bad habits, since i’m expected to play. in terms of feeling like i’m failing everyone, i feel like i’m not meeting people’s expectations, and i cannot contribute in a way that actually adds to the sound/the class itself. from this, it causes me to feel like everyone just dislikes me. while this thought is truly debilitating for me, i feel like i deserve it. if i can’t play well, they have the right to dislike me. it’s so sad when i think about the band director as well. he doesn’t deserve to have someone who is incompetent at their own instrument, despite playing for 5 years, in the band. this thought process also translates over to other classes, such as my gym class. i cannot contribute to the people around me when i need to, so i feel like i’m failing them by not meeting their expectations. since it’s a participation grade, i know i have to participate, but the idea of others just not liking me causes my mind to freeze; very rarely do i ever actually feel enjoyment.
