I don’t like my parents and I feel guilty about it

Seen from the outside, I think most people would think I’m an ungrateful child, that most people don’t even have 1/10 of the support and love my parents give me; I constantly tell myself that and desperately try and internalize this thought but I can’t, which each year that goes by I hate spending time with them more and more

I recently turned 32 and I was a late child (by their standards) and my parents are 65. I also come from an ex communist country and I think that has a lot to do with how my parents are

Both of them always offered me shelter, food, money, and a somewhat bizarre form of love. When I was 13 they started making money, they were not rich by any means but I realized my family had more money than most of my friends. Those who had more, had really really more (like giant houses, expensive cars, filthy rich). My family was upper middle class. This came at a price though, my mother turned into a workaholic and a very “yes sir right away” kind of person. We did not have holidays or weekends or anything like that, work always came first (they had their own business). My mother is very proud of this, she says she did it for me and my sister but honestly both of us came to the conclusion it was not worth it; honestly; we have nothing to show for it nothing; we did not go on expensive trips, buy expensive things (like computers, cars) or own anything; My parents would just spend the money on useless s*** like expensive food and random crap because they didn’t really have the time to enjoy something else. My mother would buy tons of clothes she thought were cheap because she bought them from second-hand shops. I threw out almost 80% of it. I would always tell her to stop buying me clothes, but this was her thing… buying s***. She knew I would throw them or donate them but somehow the waste of money didn’t phase her. They would buy tons of food, expensive perishables that they would throw away because nobody ate them. I was a child and didn’t realize how stupid it was, didn’t have a say in it.

Me and my sister did not have to work during our student years and we didn’t have to live in communal student houses (please also keep in mind that I do not pay tuition here, school is free). I know that was amazing, I didn’t have to get a job until I was 26 because I would have a monthly allowance and rent paid (but in all fairness my allowance was 1/2 of what a person earned minimum wage, and I lived in cheap smelly old apartments). My dream was to get a doctorate and I studied and did a lot of volunteer/unpaid internship in various places trying to achieve my dream. How could I be so ungrateful now? How when I did not have to lift a finger ’til my late 20s?

At 26 something broke, I realized I didn’t want to continue my studies so I just found a min wage job (not much I could do with an art history degree without struggling and I was tired of trying). And from that moment my life changed! I started seeing my parents very different, I started resenting them and noticing all the s***** things they did to me.

My mom told me I was a mistake, as a joke when I was 25 I think. She said she tried jumping with weights in her hands in hopes I would be a miscarriage (abortion was illegal at the time). She still does not understand why this affects me, she says that they both love me very much and that’s just how things were back then, for a lot of people (last days of the communist regime, everyone was hungry poor and desperate). I can’t get over it

When I started not giving a s*** about her “advice” she was confused, asked me when did I grow up, because I used to call her everyday to complain about s*** and meaningless things and ask advice, and now all of the sudden Im a grownup (this is something she has been telling me periodically for the past few years every time I refuse to do what she thinks is best). This makes me feel horrible! All that time, when I thought I had a friend, she was not sympathetic, she thought all my problems were silly and stupid. ALL THOSE G******* YEARS!

When I was 28 I wanted to do more with my life so I changed careers, now I make decent money and can afford things like buying an apartment (remember Im not from the USA, it’s affordable here with a 20 year bank loan). She has constantly bombarded me with ‘advice’ on how to make good financial decisions, what apartment to buy and so forth (again something I resent her for because they are both very poor at managing their finances; they sold their apartment for half the market price because they couldn’t be bothered to go to a real state agency and just sold it by word of mouth. idiots!). I stopped telling her about my house/apartment searches because I was tired of hearing the same s*** advice every time! All the while also telling me that it’s my life and my money and she can’t live my life yadayada

Due to their business they know a lot about constructions. when I started my search, I thought it’s good I have family that can offer advice on not buying something stupid; all she did was tell me 100 times something about some stupid kitchen appliance and what to buy; just that; I asked countless times, please stop with that, tell me about the structure of the building (yes they have knowledge about that); no answer;

I realized that I stopped telling her anything about my apartment; nothing; not even when I bought it; not even when I will start renovating it (I still working on budget and stuff) because all she does is tell me how I should do things and criticize my decisions. I have started yelling at her (yes yelling, I’m sorry, I’m a horrible person) because I had enough! but I know she thinks those things, thinks I’m making bad decisions; sometimes she lets it slip; and I realize every time we talk, anything I say I do, she thinks I’m doing it wrong; It breaks me

Recently I let it slip that I was saw some doors I wanted to buy but they’re very very expensive; she told he, scoffing, “what can’t you afford them?” I told her the cost, she repeated the same thing “what can’t you afford them?”. Is that what she thinks? that I s*** money? those doors were my salary for two months! No I cant f****** afford them!

But do you think she knows how much I earn? Of course not; not because I didn’t tell her but because she doesn’t listen; never remembers anything I tell her; she often interrupts me when I say something important, to tell me what she had for lunch; I’m serious; Imagine telling someone that you’re struggling with something, your health, finance, job, significant other, and that person interrupts you and tells you what they ate for lunch.

I dread each talk we have, knowing it’s just her telling me what she had for lunch (yes she tells me constantly what she had for lunch, I’m not making a joke, she’s on some very expensive diet) and knowing that whatever thing (important for me) I tell her, she won’t remember or even listen; she sometimes even plays computer games while we facetime (like solitaire) and I realize it’s just me talking and her not paying attention; solitaire is more important it seems

Going to visit them for the holidays has become a chore and I feel like a kid who has been told to clean his room when all he wants to do is play computer games; All I want is to stop feeling guilty, stop despising her, stop still searching for her approval even though I know I won’t get it if I don’t do what she wants.

Where is my dad you ask? I never talked about him though I do refer to both of them; well my dad has always been very absent from everything I do; he puts on his huge show on how much he loves me every time we see each other but literally does not know anything about my life, not even where I live or what important events happen; he never asks, never calls, even when I do call him, rarely,and tell him he doesn’t remember; When we meet face to face it’s a 8 hour marathon of him talking. He is a very well read man but somehow all he wants to talk about is his student years and what fun things he did; I resent him for it; I do; he never, never! has a story about our family; about me and my sister; always stories from his high school years and university; My partner listens to him for hours out of strange politeness and empathy I cannot muster (he tells me he can feel my dad just wants to talk so he just listens). But its always the same stories; I asked my dad once, why don’t these stories of his ever include you know, his family; he didn’t answer; was his life so horrible after marriage? Are me and my sister both some horrible things that happened to him?

I think I could write an entire novel with my thoughts and feelings of my family

I despise my parents, and I wish I didn’t