• 1 week ago

I am 25 female, and I cheated on my boyfriend.

We have been together 2 years, and we have known each other since we were kids hanging around the town and causing mischief.

We met up just before the pandemic and spent all of lockdown together, and eventually got into a relationship. He is the sweetest, funniest person I have ever met. And he really is my safe place.

There are bad days, but mainly good ones. We have had a handful of bad arguments / fights, we even got physical at each other at one point. We have pulled through a lot and have come out stronger in the end. But I made the biggest mistake you could imagine.

After a night out, I ended up at one of my colleagues house after a night in the pub. My boyfriend, before this had got into a bit of a bicker with said colleague and left the pub. Sometimes this can happen when he drinks, and usually brushes it off and comes back, this time he didn’t. And I was to embarrassed drunk and stubborn to try contact him. I then decided to drink vodka which I never do as it just caused a lot of problems in my youth. Then certain conversations became a big blur, and I can’t even remember leaving the pub. Or who I said bye to, did everyone leave? I have no recollection. I do however remember being at their house, and I got a text from my boyfriend, there was 8 I think but I only seen the first one at the notification bar which read ‘we are over’ this made me go numb, and scared to go home. I didn’t even know if he was home, I was so drunk I couldn’t even find my keys or anything and knew I was to wasted to go home.

We have had some issues recently, one big fight that happened a month ago now or so which we got passed, and our sex life hasn’t been happening all that much. Maybe 2-4 times a month.

Then it happened. I slept with my colleague. Why? I don’t even know – drink, hurt, anger, confusion, I just went fuk distractive with my actions. When I was a teen early twenties I had a partner who cheated on me and told me I was just an object and that’s all he was with me for, he sexually assaulted me while we were in this relationship and also hit me, and tried to cause a car accident with me in the car. This broke me, and sent me on a dark path of alcohol, I was out clubbing every day even if I had no money, I’d find a way or flirt with the closest guy to get free drinks. I couldn’t cope with the feeling and genuinely believed that I was an object, and I’m nothing more. Self distractive. I was a train wreck, I slept with people just to feel something, I didn’t even like these men or want to actually sleep with them. I was basically self harming myself and very much brain washed with the wrong crowd I was in.

So, when I slept with my colleague – it felt like this exact feeling again. I don’t have any interest in anyone else, I just want to be with my boyfriend. After the incident, it was very awkward and I just wanted to get home. I told my boyfriend what had happened and naturally he was extremely destroyed. Long story short, we have agreed to move forward, and take things at his pace. I’m just worried for him, I don’t want him to push himself to much it just keeps hurting… I bloody love him. Truly. And I can’t stop feeling to disgusted at myself. It’s like all the shit and hurt that’s happened to me, I’m projecting onto someone else? I don’t understand.