I’m a gay cis man and I used to be an alt-righter and said and did horrible things to people who were my friends. It was a really dark time in my life, I had untreated depression and I was looking for anything that would help me feel anything. I got sucked into the alt-right rabbit hole because I was vulnerable and trusted people I shouldn’t have and because of that it is really hard for me to trust anyone anymore. I just feel so bad thinking about the things I did for years under the excuse of wanting to make the world better when in reality it was because I wanted to feel something and feel like I belong somewhere. It was selfish and I try to make up for it every day with my actions.
Sometimes I just feel broken because of it all, that being inducted into the alt-right has changed me mentally and emotionally in a way I can’t change back. I can’t trust anyone, I’m often on edge when speaking with anyone about anything political, and I constantly assume the worst in people despite knowing it’s irrational. Like it’s a reflex that I can’t control.
There is a way out though. Thank god for my friends who are patient and compassionate, they give me the will to keep going and make me believe there are still good people in this world. Even though it feels like they won’t, your friends will accept you back if you get out. And thank god for my boyfriend who helped me accept myself and continues to support me despite the scars that radicalization has left on me. Despite my ongoing troubles and the troubles I’ve had in the past, I feel truly blessed to have people who will have my back no matter what.