For a little bit of context, I’m a female minor who only has three real-life friends, one of which I barely consider a friend anymore. I’m shy, and introverted, and lazy, and think waaaaaay too much.
For a long time I said to myself that I would not date until I was in college to be responsible and whatnot. Almost all of the girls in my school are sluts jumping from one guy to the next and falling over themselves, and I never wanted to be like them. But last year I accidentally fell in love with a guy from a friend group I had been in for probably more than two years. It started suddenly and I didn’t notice it at first. I was calling him nicknames and complimenting him but stumbled and got confused when asked why, because I genuinely didn’t know. Then it hit me all at once – I was actually having feelings for this guy. I panicked for a few days but confronted him one night about it and he said he had feelings for me as well. We agreed to date and said we’d bring it up to our group the next day. As a quick note here, that night I was panicking h******* not only over feelings but because I really didn’t want another girl, we’ll call her V, to think I was trying to replace her. She always said I was better at art than her and I had heard that she had once confessed to this same guy and got rejected. I begged her not to get mad at what she would hear the next day and told her I never intended to end up this way. She was confused but said whatever it was she wouldn’t be angry.
Me and the boy were very happy together. Maybe I talked about the future too much for him though, I dunno. I was just so blissful back then too. I have been suicidal for a very long time feeling I was worthless and for the first time I was looking forward to my future. I was loved and it was great even if we couldn’t meet physically until we were older. I revealed some of my deeper secrets to him too. Looking back on it now I really regret not seeing some of the flaws about our relationship. He was usually hypocritical, complaining about someone doing something only to turn around and do it himself. He would prioritize his best friend over what would make him happy, and me by extension too. He also got really aggressive over games sometimes and it made everyone in call uncomfortable. I guess I was too blind to see it.
Now this year, a month before our 1 year anniversary of dating, he broke up with me because we weren’t talking much and didn’t have the same interests. I didn’t think we needed to, and on top of that I noticed myself being more aggressive and wanted to calm down a bit before going back into social circles. He said he had been pondering it for a week on if he loved me anymore and came to the conclusion he didn’t. I had a really hard time getting over it. I still loved him for all the time I was away and I regret so much not checking in or saying anything, as if maybe I could’ve saved it, even though it might be better I didn’t. Apparently almost everyone except me knew that he was gonna break up with me too which doesn’t feel great.
I was still feeling really hurt about it two weeks later and then I find out he’s seeing that other girl from earlier, V. And nobody told me. The same girl he rejected before, the same girl that everyone has complained about COUNTLESS times – they literally had a group chat channel specifically for complaining about her – was apparently dating him TWO F****** WEEKS after we broke up. And I am still ungodly amounts of pissed. Was I just so goddamn bad that he would prefer the likes of her over me? Like, what the f***?? And there was NO concern for me at all unlike how worried I was about V thinking I was replacing her before. Now I felt replaced, and I still kind of do even though it’s been about a month since he and I broke up. I felt so lost and shattered by that, even more so than the original break up. I don’t know whether to just hate both of them or not.
I’ve since sought the company of other friend groups and ignored that old one. I couldn’t stand to even look at them anymore, it just made me sick to my stomach, and I’ve been having a really nice time, but I’ve been crushing really hard on someone new and I feel guilty for it happening so soon (and still somewhat mad there’s no guilt on my ex’s side for doing s*** sooner but AAAaaanyway), yet I can’t help it. Me and this new guy just get along so well and he makes me feel so happy when he’s around that I long for him when he isn’t there. Every time he makes a self depreciating joke I want to tell him it’s a lie and that I’ll love him even if he refuses to love himself. I wanna tell him how I feel but I always think it’s too soon and he might not be interested, and I still get that gut-punch of guilt for considering dating even though my ex moved on way earlier.
I hate all this. I hate it so much and I wish I had stayed with my plan of not dating until college. Then maybe I’d be spared from it all, and I wouldn’t crave to fill a hole for something I didn’t even need before. I pity everyone who frequently dates even more so than I did before. This is, truly, hell – love and hate, hate and love.
