i have been raped. by a family member. it was horrible. just horrible... i didnt feel a thing... i didnt feel my own body, i couldnt react, i was just

14 years

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i have been raped. by a family member. it was horrible. just horrible… i didnt feel a thing… i didnt feel my own body, i couldnt react, i was just staring blankly on the wall… how do you feel when the first time a guy touchs you, when you are barely 14, you just feel disgusted of your own body… i dont even remember a thing.. my body was there, not moving while he was doing.. what he had to do… and my mind was above the room, watching everything, shouting silently, urging me to react… i didnt.. i had no body anymore to react with..
worst part of it? i didnt like it, of course i didnt, i hated it… but i dont know why, when he left the room, i needed it.. not him.. surely not him.. but s**… and i started m***********… maybe i just had to be sure i could still feel a thing.. i dont know.. but i masturbated..
and now the only way i really feel something in bed is when a guy is kind of violent with me…
i just feel sick and disgusting…

New Confession

I don’t like how people want things done quickly. Just f-ucking let me so them when I want to do them.

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Last year I befriended a guy I met in a hospital. This was new for me but I needed help and barely felt alive. He was from the same city as I and I found him refreshing. He was weird but the boring ones are the scary ones.

After we were both were out of the hospital, within a week I got a letter in the mail. It was from him. We are both from the same city and he saw me near my house. I texted him my phone number. I figured he was safe being he was a good guy and I liked him,

He is even more unstable than I am and I am no saint but I have had past issues abusing and selling drugs and he has various disorders as well. I triggered him by trying to manipulate him and thought he would go away.

I am not proud of this and I know very well he isn’t proud of his part either, We just simply did not mesh which was both his words and I. The thing is we have a lot in common but he’s more open about his problems and I’m embarrassed of mine. That didn’t seem to matter to him and it horrified me that he wasn’t as judgmental as others. I am used to bad people into something when I was the whole time with him. He knew it but let it go. Why!???

In the end, I used and insulted him often and he knew it but helped me over and over and tried to be my friend while I pretended to attempt to be his. Many see him as crazy now being he fell apart in other ways with other people in this horrible city but we are the crazy ones for taking advantage of good people. Ashamed and disgusted with myself yet also afraid I’ll one day be as open as he was with me. What is wrong with me??