Stu is gone. My life is walking away from me. Once again. He now forever sees me as a stranger. A stranger that he wished had never met and stayed a stranger. A definition of bad is me. Discovering the truth the way he did was hell. For him and I. He saw everything right in front of his eyes. He heard my voice which I knew he wished it wasn’t. But it was time for truth to come out. He’s clever, not a fool, and I expected the end of us and me. I was born to this world, alive and well but cursed. The unlucky thirteen. I’m a bad luck to happiness and love. Love seemed to hate me since I was born, unwanted and unexpected. I wish I was never born. I don’t like who I am. I didn’t ask for any of this : not to feel love, not to have love, not to feel wanted. I desired what every child desires and deserves. The pure of love, affection and trust. I had none. I felt I had to prove myself all the time that I deserved to be loved too. The habit has gotten the best of me.

Yesterday, Stu was in my life, happily. I want yesterday to be forever. Now what’s life without him in it? What’s the purpose? Find another love of my life? Until I kill myself? Since I was 13, I scavenged for love. Mostly judged and badly mistaken for lust and thrill. I couldn’t find anything to hold my ground and my desperation was overwhelming. To the point where I had to lie again and again and again. Until I became a liar forever. Like how Stu said – this is who I am. But all I wanted was love. Until I couldn’t find any and just grabbed whatever was in front of me. Like Paul.