I am the ugliest and most reactive version of myself on social media. I have stuck a toe in and left so many times bc I turned into such a jerk. Why can't

6 years

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I am the ugliest and most reactive version of myself on social media. I have stuck a toe in and left so many times bc I turned into such a jerk. Why can’t I get this right?

New Confession

when i lay on my stomach i am reminded of my vulnerability
i can feel the breeze kiss the spots on my back that only
you and the sun are familiar with.
it doesn’t tickle as much as it did the first night you stayed over.
it’s a familiar feeling.
and while it kills me,
deep down i am thankful to know that you will never know what my back looks like
as the seasons change.
you will forget where each and every freckle stays
you will miss the tan lines left by the harsh rays of summer
and the fairness of winter against my skin.
the last time you’ve seen my back was when I left you
and i am both terrified and proud that you will never know my vulnerability again.
-KQ

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i think im a burden on others, no one truely “likes” me. I have friends i’ve known for years and years, yet it’s still awkward. I’m always the one initiating conversation, i’m the one asking to make plans, i’m the one checking up, i think if i just stopped talking everyone would forget i exist. I make space for myself when no one really invited me. It’s confusing, i can vent about this to those friends and they reassure me, but i think i’d just rather they tell the truth. I know they love me, but it’s an obligation, they might love me from all the years spent together, but i know they dont really like me as a person. And it’s so selfish of me, i could set them all free but i have no one else, i dont think i could take it, so im just stuck in this endless loop of feeling like not enough but too scared do anything. I want things to be like when i was a child.