Ustaz,
this would be long but i hope you would read. i have nobody to talk too. i have family, siblings, close friend but I am still lonely. but that’s not the topic. ustaz, saya pendosa, munafiq. i am lost. i was obsessed with the temporary pleasure offered by this dunya. ustaz, I am afraid of death but I couldn’t help it. i started my day judging people and saying harsh thing about my grandma and my mom which I end up feeling guilty. as I feel guilty, I want to sabotage myself because I just hate myself? lol funny, semua ni alasan jak. ustaz, I want to be in paradise. I’m scared of azab kubur and neraka. worst is I have to face it alone. obviously. i always question on why I was born? why? should I be happy? i know I shouldn’t say this, but life is hard. i couldn’t control myself and be a better daughter, person.. i s****. i lazy. i stupid. i useless. i don’t why I’m addicted to p***. my parents are working, and everytime they left the house and I was alone, ill start watching these nasty movies. maybe that’s because how I train my brain? s***. s***. s***. and I don’t care about love life before marriage. it just stupid. i want to get rid the guys number because he s**** he direspects me. but a part of me just couldn’t do so? and why why therapist is so expensive? i might get another therapy for my therapy bills. wait, therapies are not a thing in my place. i dont there’s one. i dont depression is a thing in my place. i thought being adult is good because I can buy anything by myself, I dont need approval. but on the other hand, there’s a lot of thing to think. headache. and previous adults are not helping. they are the same useless. marriage? i couldn’t imagine myself living with a guy for the rest of my life? how could you trust them? dont get me wrong, my dad and brothers are good but other than them, I never met one. most of them are just simply stupid, crave for respect from wife and child, abusive, sarcastic, again stupid. Ive been searching for myself for years. i guess it started once I finished high school. it has been 4 years. still depressed. funny right. im a top student, have good parents and siblings, friends (I doubt them), good house, good education, ain’t lying but im quite pretty. BUT DONT WORRIES HATERS, I have depression too. f*** I hate myself. i dont what is the missing part. i know im not the only one who is lonely in this world. i know. but my mind just em seduce me to overthink. now I dont have anyone to talk to because basically I am reserved person who keeps everything to herself. everytime I want to confess or talk random thing, I just felt like I bothered their time? is it just me? 🙁
I am sad and sad is me.
writing my thoughts here so I can feel a lot better soon. what im trying to say is, p********** only give me a temporary pleasure/excitement and it ends up making me felt guilty and depressed and didn’t want to continue the rest of my day. i just started my day. s***.
another episode of me being dumb and hate myself. i didn’t expect anyone to read this, but if you did, you’re a weirdo. just like me. i just wrote anything crossed my mind. and English is not my native and I dont care actually.
stay safe,
b