I always pretend to be a fun cheery nice person but I always think about how I hate people all the time. I find a lot of my friends and family annoying

6 years

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I always pretend to be a fun cheery nice person but I always think about how I hate people all the time. I find a lot of my friends and family annoying but I don’t want them to know I do so I pretend I think they’re all amazing. I feel terrible about it all the time but at this point I’ve been doing it for years so if I suddenly change how I act everyone will start hating me. I have no redeeming qualities and the only thing I can do right is pretend to care. I dont think the way other people seem to think because I find funerals boring, I havent cried once at one and I dont think that’s normal in any way. I hate so many things that would make people upset with me and I always feel like everyone secretly hates me, I dont think that’s normal either. I’ve really wanted to tell all this to someone but I have major trust issues and I dont trust anyone to understand or try to honestly help.

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i think im a burden on others, no one truely “likes” me. I have friends i’ve known for years and years, yet it’s still awkward. I’m always the one initiating conversation, i’m the one asking to make plans, i’m the one checking up, i think if i just stopped talking everyone would forget i exist. I make space for myself when no one really invited me. It’s confusing, i can vent about this to those friends and they reassure me, but i think i’d just rather they tell the truth. I know they love me, but it’s an obligation, they might love me from all the years spent together, but i know they dont really like me as a person. And it’s so selfish of me, i could set them all free but i have no one else, i dont think i could take it, so im just stuck in this endless loop of feeling like not enough but too scared do anything. I want things to be like when i was a child.