A couple of months ago a girl got really sick and had to go to the hospital, she was a bit older than me but was the same age as my older sister. Her mom and mine were really good friends so my mom would go and spend the night with the girl and her mother at the hospital. All of the people in our community went and visited her, most of them were parents and the older kids. My older sister went to visit her as well. My mom asked me to come and visit the girl as she was not getting better, I told my mom that I didn’t think it would be good if I went because I wasn’t really as close to her as my sister was and I was younger than all the kids that were there. To be honest I think the real reason I didn’t want to visit was because something was scaring me about going to see her and I honestly don’t know why I didn’t want to go. So I never ended up seeing her and she passed away a couple of days after that. The guilt that ran through me was so bad I cried for several days after that, nobody knew though because I didn’t want people to know that I was crying about her. I felt like I was the worst person in the world and I didn’t know how to handle myself. I knew I should have visited her and now it was too late, why was I like this, why couldn’t I have just seen her and her mom. I was soo evil and I didn’t believe that I deserved to be standing her alive will she was in heaven. she had a long life ahead of her and was gone too soon. I don’t know if I will ever forgive myself for what I did and the worst part was I couldn’t ask her for forgiveness because she was gone. I will never stop hating myself for what I did. I have never lost anyone that was really close to me but I actually knew the girl and I have known her for a while. that was what made it so bad because she was such a nice person and was always so friendly, she treated me like her little sister and always showed kindness. I didn’t even go to her funeral but that was because of covid so only a few people were allowed in the church. I often talk to her in hopes that she is listening from above, I know that might sound crazy but even if there was the slightest chance that she was hearing me I would take it. I hope she is ok up there and if I could talk to her one more time I would tell her how sorry I am for not visiting her and that I wish I had.

I know that this doesn’t sound like a big deal but I am a really sensitive and guilty person and can hurt easily. I also hate myself a lot. I know it might be stupid but that is just how my brain works.