I can’t trust myself not to lead on hurt or otherwise be a s***** person to everyone I know. I’m a lying narcissist who can’t decide what I want. I don’t want to be with Y. Ever. There’s not a reality where I would be. But she is the only person that I am at all attracted to physically. There are still suppressed feelings that I have for her. But with every phone call text message or time that I ever spent with her I dug myself a deeper hole. Nobody would understand I’ve developed a Stockholm syndrome. One that haunts me. One that makes me make out with her after having told G that I want to go on a date with her on. One that makes me want to have s** with her and to dirty talk with her. I have hurt her immensely so in the same way she has Stockholm syndrome for me. She unconditionally forgives me and always attempts to win my affection. I’m tired of it. I just want her to realize how awful we are to each other how we would never work out in a million years. The sooner that she realizes that the less pain for everyone involved. However when it came down to it of course it was my decision to do what I did. I’m still stuck. But I’ve hurt G by doing what I’ve done with Y specifically call her three nights and dirty talked as well as meet up with her and gotten head. I’m attracted to G not her body. Which is absurd because G has a nice body it’s just I sincerely think I’d be asexual if not for Y Because of my tiny man brain I have done nothing but lie and lead Y on. Thinking with your d*** example a over here. My only hope at this point is that I can look back on my teenage years and just think wow I was f****** abysmal. I think quarantine has showed me that I’m just inherently evil. A trait that I didn’t believe anything or one could posses. There’s so much guilt I harbor every time I see or talk to G. The only way out now is to lose everything by telling the truth or keep up the facade until it goes away naturally. The latter is the strategy I’ve been employing for the last two years and quite frankly it’s not gonna change. There are opportunities where I’ve seen fresh starts and I always f*** them up so spectacularly. I’ve thought about ending it. Been thinking about it more often than I’d like to admit. If I’m being honest at this point I’m probably going to just isolate until I find a solution. Which will make me feel worse than I already do. There’s a collapsing feeling in my throat my chest and my thoughts. The only thing I can focus on is how P was a cheater was an abuser. I want to change. I want to grow like him. No matter what I need to. I’m in too deep. I don’t know what to do and I’m in so much f****** pain constantly I’ve hurt people so much I wish I could have an opportunity to reset.