When I was around 7 to 8 I molested someone younger than me. It began when my mother began babysitting this girl who was maybe 6-7, there were times where I would lead her to my mother’s room or mine alone and that’s where it started. It was year 8 (for me) where she told her friends in her Christian school, this lead to her teacher then her principal then to the polices. This eventually made it to her family whom came to discuss if what she said was true or not to my family. In that time I had told everyone that didn’t happen, I lied to everyone and they believed me. It’s been years since then, but the immense guilt hasn’t left me one bit. I know I’m the one who’s in the wrong and can’t change anything even if I wanted to. But whenever I try to have a relationship with anyone I feel sick to my stomach and all I can think is what I’ve done. Moreover what I may have done to her and what scars it could’ve left on her or her family. I don’t want to be like this, I hate it so much and I believe if I ever told anyone they would immediately hate me. I think my parents do deep down believe I may have done it but choose not to say anything about it. Ever since then I’ve chosen not to forget the consequences my actions had and how they could’ve affected her and others. I’ve disappointed myself and my family. But I want to change and I want to go back and apologise to her. I want to keep living my life knowing I tried to fixed it at least. Knowing deep inside this messed up person that I am, that I tried and I may have failed but I gave my best and that my combination of fear and self loathing contributed to something. I try my best to never touch anyone or make anyone uncomfortable. To not push anyone or to force anyone. I want to show that she wasn’t the only one who was hurt but that shouldn’t take any sympathy away from her. Not to make sound like the victim or anything but I think I needed to say it aloud for me to take the first steps to change the wrongs I’ve done in the past and make anew for me.
- 1 month ago
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