People think I have all my s*** together and I don’t. I have 2 meetings tomorrow and I’m going to blow them off. I don’t want to go because I’m sick. I really am, I will just go and sneeze and cough and be annoying. But I’m not ready for them because I been sick and haven’t had any time to prepare for them. Everybody in my family is sick, no it’s not that sickness, it’s a flu, just not that one. I’m been so f****** tired I could barely look after myself and now I feel a little better, but my stomach is sore from coughing so much. Here’s the thing though, this is going to be the second time I’m blowing off one of these meetings and it feels like I’m avoiding them, but I’m not. This is a massive project and the due date is coming up and they are getting antsy, but this meeting would be me there just to let them know I’m on track. I have the paper trail and am citing all my work that’s going into the project. We’re ahead on the other projects, but I haven’t been keeping anyone in the loop because I been working my a** off trying to make sure everything is working. Sine last spring, there’s been at least 20 people coming to me to ask what we are doing. I’m not the manager. We have a huge budget to get everything done and I’ve been the one making sure we’re getting in under budget and on time and I’m doing a damn good job of it except I am not the manager! Our manager is supposed to be doing what I’m doing and the manager comes to ask me what we’re doing and I don’t think any of them know what it’s like to have that much control. The last month now I’ve been freaking out and I’m working at home because I been sick. This constant anxiety is killing my love for all things. I have a general idea of what we’re supposed to be doing, but… I don’t know really if what I’m tasking people with is the right thing. If I’m not at the office, seems like people just stop working. I’ll make it. I will drag this project to the finish line. But I’m scared. I’m afraid of what this job is doing to me. I can’t sleep most nights. When I’m happy and smiling to people’s faces, soon as they’re out of sight my face goes back to blank. The things I found fun are just no longer fun. I don’t hang out with anyone anymore. I think I may have let slip the only woman who actually loved me detach because I wasn’t there. I don’t eat and then I overeat. I am making sure everybody is succeeding and getting their wages. I think I want to cry, but I’ll just cough and laugh because at least that’d be funny. I miss my hobbies. I let slip a little of the old me in a facebook group and people loved it. For a little bit there, I felt like I made a little difference. People discussed stuff and laughed. I loved it. That was just me being funny like I was in the old days. I wrote a little story a few years ago that sat around for years and I submitted it for a work thing and they loved that. I was shocked when people were complimenting it. I didn’t know how to feel. Some days, I really miss that lady I used to talk to all the time. I made her laugh all the time and we’d be up for hours just talking about everything and I’d not feel the dull numbness I feel now when I feel bad. Sometimes I try to start conversations online with people just to try and get that feeling back, but it always goes back to my job. I had interests and hobbies, I was funnier than this, I swear. Honestly, I think it’s just that I want to make somebody have feelings for me and I can make them laugh and not worry about life so much. It’s all I seem to do. I’m either sleepy or mad or numb. Hey, if you read this far, thank you friend, I honestly hope you have a good day… or a bad one if you need to, if I knew you, I’d drop everything to be there for you if I could. Nobody deserves to feel like I do so I’d try to save you from it.
