Reflecting on them now, my deepest guilts and regrets stem from how fucked my upbringing was.
At this point in my life I have to stop blaming others and take responsibility for my own s*** and my own s***** behavior.
When I was 14 we had a dog that had to be put down because his leash slipped out of my hand and he attacked a child.
Shortly after that I started going to an online school job my first job and started saving money to move out of my parents abusive, half mormon half alcoholic household.
I wasted all of my time and my money and at the expense of my education. I trusted the wrong people and got raped by someone 8 years older than me at the time.
After that I was angry for a while.
I still am but I suppose I have learned to control it somewhat.
at 16 I held a more steady job, got good and cocky at it and I acted like a B****.
There are a lot of people who I wish I could apologize to.
I feel like now anything I could say would just get written off as sarcasm or ingenuine.
Maybe it doesn’t really matter now but it matter to me because I hope that my actions did not in turn make people feel badly about themselves.
I don’t know if I care whether or not if people think I am an a****** I still haven’t decided yet whether or not I am one so the jury’s out there.
I was just thinking about how this new career I am falling into is something I have always wanted to do and I finally have enough experience to be able to do something right.
I’ve made mistakes, I’ve done things wrong, I’ve learned.
But I do not believe that people change because I know deep down that I am still that angry person who is judgmental and rude and mean.
I just hide it well.
I hope I can approach things well in this most trivial time in my life.
I feel guilty for many things.
Sometimes I feel like I should just hide by my Diagnosis
but that feels cowardly.
I hope to make amends with the world, within my own corner of it.
All I am asking for is a chance to do things right this time.
Please don’t f*** up
This has to work.
I still think that my Karma has yet to come for me and I am afraid of the day that it finally does.
Terrified.
sometimes I think it would just be easier to die.
But hey life is a gamble so f*** it lets play the cards.
Ready to get this s*** over with.
but I am also ready to work hard to get there.
I want this but something about it just feels too good to be true.
pray for me
send me some good energy because I really need it right now

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