Okay so… I am 17 y/o girl.
Last year when I was 15/16 I made a kid around 2 y/o touch my b**** for a second (I was completely dressed, it really was for a second…I just felt curious about the feeling) instantly I took his hands off and never ever thought about doing it again, I knew it was wrong and stopped immediately… I completely forgot about it for around a year because as I stopped immediately and didn’t go any further I didn’t feel guilty at all. One of these days tho, after I had completely forgotten about it, I woke up and the moment came back to my mind… I don’t know why It suddenly came but I started feeling super guilty and worried.. “was I a p********? if I was… I should say it and fast! But I never felt attracted to kids… it was just curiosity! But it was wrong tho… ” so, after like 3 days from the event coming all of a sudden to my mind,I resolved to tell my mom. She told me to calm down and asked if that was really all that had happened, she told me I looked too worried for it to have just been that and I promised her it was and etcetcetc she told me that I had not hurt the kid, that he pretty much didn’t even notice and that I was in an age were there’s a lot of curiosity on how would it feel to be touched and s*** and as I’ve never been (which is completely NOT an excuse) I had done that…she told me to calm down and that the best thing to do was to say sorry to myself for have done that, to the kid (not irl tho), to promise I would never ever do that again and to keep going with my life and stop thinking about it. She said I was a nice person, that I was really lovely and other stuff and that that even didn’t make me a bad person.
Okay so I tried doing that, I apologized and recognized I actually did not harm the kid at all… but some way after crying so much because of guilt and s*** and searching on the internet stuff like “Could I be a p********?” and I am like pretty sure I AM NOT I have never felt attracted for them and I do not have weird thoughts with kids… but since I remembered I did that, I just can’t relax, I feel like I should die or something. Like I do not deserve all the good I have. I am struggling a lot with going on, I am reading about it and s***… I just want to be okay. I know I have the potential to do a lot of good to humanity, I love studying and helping people was always my main reason, I love my parents and family and I really want to be a good daughter and make them proud, take care of them when they get old and all that stuff, I have dreams!…
And I don’t want all of it to get ruined because of me overreacting at this, even if I KNOW it WAS WRONG. I am just so desperate, I have been into this around a month and I am almost coming back to school, and I don’t feel I can give my best if I don’t feel okay with myself.. and I can’t also be my best with my family and myself if this keeps bothering me… During my day when I seem to forget about it it’s like automatically the thing came back to my mind and I returned to the repetitive cycle of anxiety and “I should have never done that! Am I a p********? I AM NOT God!! Stop with this… How did I even spent all this year without remembering that? What’s wrong with me? You did so many good things this year tho… you helped so many people…! You studied so much and made your parents proud of you! You spread so much love… And that person who did all that good had done the other thing already… but she just didn’t have it in mind. You can keep being that awesome person! Can you tho??? Do you deserve to tho?? U abused that child!! …Did I abuse him tho? it was just for a second…” and so on and on.

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