Sorry for the long post but here I go. So it all started when I was in high school, I dated a toxic guy and we dated for almost 3.5 years. It was a hard relationship because he was emotionally manipulative and always was kinda talking to another girl behind my back. My parents were hella strict so it was hard seeing each other and I somehow convinced myself that it was okay and continued dating him at the time.
Unfortunately in high school, I was used to being the nice girl so I let toxic people (including a friend I had) trample over me. I realized after a few years, that this isnt normal and was gonna put at end to it, but during this phase I was so sad and insecure. I felt like I could never fully let myself feel or trust someone again. Once I realized how I let people treat me, I lost some of my dignity and self-respect. I started developing bad coping mechanisms.
I started hooking up with guys from tinder and started exploring the idea of s**. I would sext, send nudes, blah. Then I just started hooking up with this 1 guy and it was perf, we kept things strictly s*****. However, I noticed I kept going to him whenever I felt down like i got bad grades or had problems with family/friends. It was so easy just a quick fix that we both benefitted mutually from.
In 2017 I went on vacation and met my current boyfriend. Not too sure why but I kinda deceived him into thinking I was a virgin. At the time my boyfriend straight up told me the fucked up things he’s done and owned up to it. I took a liking to him because he was so open and seemed a little broken like me too. We started hitting it off but I did this fucked up thing where in the first few months of dating. I tried to break my habit of getting attention from other guys to feel better about myself (sending nudes), whenever something bad happened to me. Eventually, I stopped on my own and blocked everyone. I thought since I stopped it, no point in telling my boyfriend. I wanted to tell him but things were so perfect and I knew he would never do that to me.
In August 2018, I went on vacation and gave him my snapchat account to continue my streaks. I thought I deleted all the history from sexting/sending nudes to the other guys but I missed one conversation. My boyfriend saw and nearly broke up with me. Oh my god, I felt terrible and so embarassed, I didnt know what to say to him. I acted all innocent at first and he saw my other side. He thought it was something he did on his end but tbh he was perfect. I just had a lot of insecurities that I dealt with wrong, a bad habit I tried to break. Luckily he gave me another chance since I did stop on my own.
It was sucha rough patch to get through but I explained every detail of how I was and why I did the things I did. He somehow understood me overtime. However, every now and then he would kinda think about it and act dry. It’s been over a year now since it happened and I would explain to him that I love him, and i was dumb for what I did, but it gets annoying sometimes you know? I am very embarassed and sorry for my mistakes in the past but I cant do anything about them now and him latching onto that kinda pisses me off too. No one is perfect, and what I did was awful but the past is past now, like can we bury this and not speak of it again? Like he has his own fucked up s*** too but I guess he came clean when we first met so it was fine. Whereas I kept it hidden for a long time.
