This is going to be long winded and bizzare just to put it there from the beginning. Im 27, female and you need a bit of backstory to understand. I lived

7 years

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This is going to be long winded and bizzare just to put it there from the beginning.

Im 27, female and you need a bit of backstory to understand. I lived with my mum, dad left when I was four. Intermittently in and out of our lives picking the favourite of his 5 children to talk too when he could be bothered. Took a couple of years to be your turn. He now doesnt talk to any of us. Stepdad is an alcoholic, nice enough bloke but not very involved.

I was s******* assaulted by my best friend (Ill call XBF) when I was 16. His mum and my mum were friends. My uncle sold him weed. XBF fingered me when I was asleep and I rolled off the bed and pretended to wake up from that. Didnt tell anyone until 4 months after the event. I told my friend who told 5 people but he made it sound like I had been raped when he told others. It spread very quickly around the school, with people telling me anything from it wasnt my fault and wanting to beat them up; to friends not believing me; to random people laughing at me in my lessons saying if it had happened I deserved it. I started self harming. Became depressed. I was sent to see my granddad every Wednesday to paint (he is an amazing artist), watch tv shows and eat cake.

Whilst I was there, my granddad would start giving me back massages. He always lingered too long massaging my sides with his fingers on my b****. This is definitely true.

The ex best friend then bricked my house with my other old friends. Convinced id lied. I told my mum and the police what happened and got told as it was a year after the event (even though a friend had seen them running too the house to brick it and away without the bricks saying we were going to kill em) it was heresay as noone actually saw them do it. Also told me there was no point in making a statement as the incident had happened a year ago. Must be mentioned XBF’s mum was shagging the police officer round the house.

I had a head injury at age 18. I completely forgot 2 years of my life and struggle with remembering still. I have flashbacks but couldnt tell you how old I was, dates or times Ive done things etc. I have to rely on gut instinct all the time as I cant always remember why I feel that way.

I started going out with this lad who I thought was amazing. He was to begin with. But very early on he started to shove me around, strangle me but never actually hit me. So stupid me thought its not as bad as domestic abuse. He doesn’t punch me. The kind of lad that thought nothing of dragging me out of bed as he had smelled my knickers and thought he could smell another man. I would never have cheated. I loved him and I would of been too scared. He was so strong. And aleays telling me hed kill me and whoever hed caught me with. He shoved me down during one argument on the field behind coop and strangled me and fucked me. The second other time was in my bedroom i shared with my sister, he kept just trying. I kept saying no and I didnt want too be too loud and argue with my sister so I kept quiet. She stormed out and my family gave me a bollocking for shagging him in the room with my sister. I didnt want too. I struggle to say it was r*** as he was my other half and I loved him. I didnt want s** either of those two times and he knew it. We split after 2 and a half years. He threatened to kill my family, kept me hostage in the car, threatened to kill himself. Hes messaged me a few times since but Ive just ignored him and now hes not a problem.

I started a relationship with my other half i am with now 7 years ago. He works a lot, at one point me and him had to have a chat as he was working 8-10 at night every night inc weekends. And no he wouldnt have cheated, just a thoroughly decent bloke. Can be a miserable arse but he is someone that actually doesnt try too but makes me a better person anyway. He tells me to stand up for myself and will do pretty much anything to keep me and his daughter happy. Its not all perfect but it’s us.

A few months ago (that I remember for definite) I accused my granddad of touching me. Im sure that as a child (age 6ish) we had stayed at my grandparents and he told me he would kill me if I told anyone. It was dark, my sister and Nan were asleep. Mum told me shed kill me if I didnt tell her what was wrong. I remember being petrified. I was going to die. I think I remember her saying you touched me you dont f****** touch her.

Ive started to accept this may be true. The past couple of months things keep popping in my head.

My granddad fell ill on holiday in Wales. Me and my mum had to pick him up and I said to him as we stopped off to get petrol on way back that I know you f****** touched me and if you ever touch my daughter I will f****** kill you. He said he would never. He and my mum sat on the table and asked what I was on about. So I told them. I kept having dreams, nightmares that would leave me shaking and panicking. Cant sleep well at night at all. Even in the day I keep having panic attacks which I just feel weak as a person. Ive always been a people pleaser but thought I was strong. I told them I kept having nightmares of him touching me after I had my daughter (she is one and a half). My mum said this wasnt the first time I had accused him. It was just nightmares and I apologised, said it was all my fault. I dont know why I am the way I am. Mum said I was just a nasty liar whose always had a sly streak.

I am sure after I was at home, I argued with my Nan, Mum and sister and said if this was true. I dont want anything more to do with him. All i can remember is them screaming at me why are you like this. What is wrong with you. Again I apologised. Said it was my fault.

I went to my grandparents and I remember that he touched me. He never raped me just fingers. Not sure when it is in the timeline. But he definitely did. I remember his arm pinning me saying I had wanted it. At least he had now done what he had been accused of. I had dreamt of it. (I dont always use the right word when I say things – eg. Ill say Dream instead of nightmare as I was asleep and they mean the same. Im not sure if they are true. Ill also use dream for good dreams.) I told him he could do what he liked with me but I would kill him if he touched my daughter. He was a peadophile.
He did it again in front of my mum. I remember begging her for help. Her sitting on his couch. When I was asking if he had touched her too. He touched her until she had moved out and had us kids so at least 21. “What am I supposed to do, tell M and say my dads been touching me?” I told him he was sick. Went into garden. You were supposed to protect me, youre my mum. Yea and hes my dad. You seemed like you enjoyed it from where I was sitting. You were goading him to do it. I had shouted at him earlier had he ever touched my daughter. Mum had said yes everytime I had gone for a cigarette or just walked out. Wasnt sure if shed got that angry and was just saying the most horrible things or meant it. I remember her saying stop it youre scaring her. I had gone into meltdown holding my head screaming no no no no over and over again. My mum said that I had failed as a parent as he had probably touched her a dozen times. Everytime youve asked me to have her. I live ten minutes away. You dont even know, sometimes an hour. Sometimes a night. My sister brang the kids. Im sure she was just being horrible. I said Id tell police or my other half and she said it didnt matter, if I was going too i would of already. I would end up forgetting everything anyway. Like I always do.
I accused him again in my Mums lounge with my mum and sister. We were sat at the table and they didnt believe me. They took me over there to sort this out once and for all. Me and my daughter. I was standing near the back door holding my baby. Mum was by the front door. Nan was by the couch and my sister was sitting on the couch. I was screaming and shouting begging my mum to let me leave after he touched me. I just wanted to leave. It was mob mentality. I looked my sister dead in the eyes and begged her. She looked down. They told my to hand my daughter over and take my punishment. He fingered me in front of my family. My sister ran out saying I didnt deserve that and we were a f****** incestous family. My mum asked if we would tell our other halfs. Both said no. I sat and watched my daughter through the glass and had a cigarette in the garden with my mum and sister panicking. I had gone numb. Distant. Things just happening round me. I asked if he had ever touched my daughter and Mum said no. My Mum said i had been goading him, practically encouraging him to do it . My sister said I didnt derseve that no matter what I had said or done. She asked how I could let him do that to me. I told my sister on way home that I had already told Mum the week before. All of us were shocked. I remember looking at the cd player lights in the car and wondering how we could ever come back from this.
I also remember waking up and thinking my sister wasnt involved it was a nightmare. Mum was. Sister wouldnt. But it still seems so real. I remember all the way home. I remember dreading my sister telling my other half and thinking if he finds out, he will want to get the hell away from me and my family and he would have reason too. I will never see my daughter again.
I cant remember the order these all come in or the exact things said apart from some phases.
I am sure my granddad is an incestous peadophile. I am sure he touched my mum and now me. Maybe my sister. I dont know.
Im 80% sure he hasnt touched my daughter or my nieces. That keeps me up at night so much.
My sister and Mum are saying I have imagined this all. If I am imagining this. How fucked up am I? Ive resolved not to leave my daughter with my family (which is hard to explain to other half as she cries a lot when we leave and before I remembered all this we only trusted my mum and sister with her). His parents were never around and his family she doesnt know very well so would make herself sick crying. I now dont trust anyone apart from my other half and daughter. She is not going anywhere. I dont need days or nights off.
What the hell do I do. How can someone decide whats true and what has been a nightmare. Ive tried ringing helplines but as there are kids involved they want police involved. If the police are involved, I can’t say 100% this is all true. I can’t say when it happened. They wouldnt believe me. I feel so damn alone as I cant talk to friends in case they tell my other half. If my other half finds out I will lose him and my daughter. He will never look at me the same way and he would tell people. If someone, somewhere has some advice. Please tell me.

New Confession

I was b**-raped on the way to school. Skirt up, p****** down, and five minutes later I had a sore bottom. I had powerful red-hot orgasms for days afterwards, Today I am wearing a mini skirt and backless knickers. I will never forget how much pleasure the r***** gave me.

Related Confessions

Many parts to this with the guilt. My mother left (didnt like being a mother) when i was 3 and dad remarried when i was 5. Just kids being kids, the neighbor girl same age as me across the street, we got caught showing each other, just dumb naive curious kids. Her mother caught us and talked to my stepmom and we got told no big deal just dont do that any more. We got caught doing it again but this time she was holding and examining my piddly little boy e r e ction close up and we both got spanked and we were never left to play unsupervised again. Learned much later in life that neither her mother or my stepmom told our fathers. I was an aberrant kid, would randomly take my clothes off when playing in th e back yard for example (it was very private with high fences amd hedges). So i was a handful for my stepmom, no argument. I would get bare bottom spanked but was not otherwise treated harshly. My behavior was the problem. I get older puberty hits and i have new aberrant behaviors as i learn my body. Without a long story of that, the important part is that one day when i was 13 my stepmom sees out the window that i am naked on my back in back yard m a s turbating and i got the worst spanking ever head down a** up on my bed. I simply got smarter and sneakier. When i was just shy of 15 she sees me in the back yard on the bottom of a 69 with our dog (male same as i was). Obviously not what most parents or step parents expect or sign up for. But she still cared enough to not narc me to dad. I got my backside lit up almost as bad. But she was def worried about what i was doing and how it was escalating. New rules system. I had to tell her when i felt a s***** urge and she would monitor real time ma s tur bation no contact just supervising so that i did not get out of control . If dad was home, she sort of had a sense of when i was feeling that way and she literally gave me a subtle hand sign to use and i got a light spanking that dad would hear and know what was going on. If i gave her that hand sign she would tell dad she had caught me touching myself earlier in the day but always wanted him to know so that he could weigh in iif he was when she took me to my room to give me that lesser spanking she would spank me not too hard and pull my g e nitals back between my legs and m a s turbate me quickly and furiously while i was still assuming the position. Over time she sat me down and gave me the talk that she felt i was confusing spanking and that quick jerk from her as an enjoyable act out to get her to do it for me. She said she was actually proud of me when i asked her one evening once i was ready for the spanking if she would please only spank me and not touch me otherwise, she said that she felt like i was learning and maturing by finding a way that even if it was not really normal i was at least learning to not be a slave to my urges to pleasure myself. Eventually even the daytime dad not home asking if i could touch myself stopped being a problem, and when i would tell her i had the urge during the daytime it became me asking her to just spank me. So m a s turbation stopped for a long time even though most days with or without dad home the spankings were my outlet. Dad was just a dad of the times and left my stepmom in charge of me. But eventually i could not fight the urge and she caught me with the dog again (my room this time). I was 15. Newer rule system….she became my outlet for urges. Taught me that i enjoyed someone else,’s pleasure more than my own. Taught me how to have and enjoy s** without degrading myself. Taught me to be a man to a woman in her bed aa equals, not just to protect or save me from my youthful perverted acts. I will always remember the sheer shock to my system the first time she had me lay on her and what it felt like when she guided me inside her. How she smiled up at me when i felt the heat and warmth of being inside her, how she told me to be still and moved her hips under me and told me doesnt this beat doing those other dirty things? I matured as a human beimg very quickly in her bed. I rarely wanted to touch myself but now if i waa asking for se x with her it wasnup to her whether we did that or whether i just got spanked. I lived at home through college and she was the only woman i was with before marriage and i have always known it was because of her that i ever became enough of a man to be able to date love and marry. I have always been eternally grateful to her. Which is also why when dad died i was honored to go back to fulfilling her needs when she asked. And still do happily to this day. I was 15 when she first took me into her bed, she is 15 years older than me. Now i am in mynearlu 60s and she is in her late 70s.

The guilt parts? The girl across the street i was caught showing and being shown? She became trouble. Promiscuous drugs booze pregnant. Rough life. I asked my stepmom once if i was to blame even in part, i felt so bad for her. My stepmom said kids doing that is so common that that did not explain it. The other guilt? No idea if my dad ever knew his wife and i were lovers for years. Stepmom and i talked about it only once right after dad died. She only told me that he was grateful she had gotten me off the bad behavior roller coaster. Stepmom said he probably knew but didnt want to know and that it never was an issue to him or between them. My wife never was highly s***** and stepmom and i have discussed that she probably realizes but as long as my wife is not expected to be s***** with me, she may be relieved that someone else keeps her from having to engage s******* with me. That seems self serving for my stepmom to say but i suppose it may well be true.

The funny part? About a year or so after my stepmom took me to her bed to train me to not degrade myself doing what i was doing with the dog, she asked for the whole story of how that all came about. When i had told her how i got there she admitted she was turned on and had never gotten it out of her head because it was such an extreme outlier. I told her that i knew it was disgusting amd degrading myself even as i did it but that it did not stop the immersion into pure lust and carnal bliss of it. Very short version….the way she talked about it i could just tell. So one day i did not ask i just gave her an encore to watch and since it was not the initial shock, she was fascinated. Fascinated enough that eventually with my assistance she gave it a try herself more than once. She found it so purely carnal and taboo that she feared being addicted to it. I def understood that. As the dog was mounted and in her she was not quite speechless with the sheer shock of what she was doing but she did tell me afterwards that she now understood how the sheer raw lust and purely raw s***** feel of it made the shame and taboo and disgust go right out the window. She ended up still enjoying watching me do it though, and even asked if i would be willing to let her watch the dog mount me. Was not the only time she got to watch that but i helped her experience it a number of times. I kept my promise to her that i would never do those things without her presence and she admitted it was a blend of enjoying watching it as well as now that she understood how easy it was to lose herself in it she also wanted to not risk me slippiing even further down that slippery slope. But while over the years we explored each others curiosities most of our time together was simply enjoying our bodies together with mutual respect comfort and even a degree of love. We are more frequently enjoying ourselves with dad gone than we did after my marriage s** ended, we were not lovers for years after i married, only resuming when my wife terminated our physical realtionship verbally, not just by silent rejection or lack of interest. It was my stepmother that suggested we resume being lovers when she learned of my wife’s decision even though dad was still alive. I was not man enough to decline whether for my wife’s, father’s, ot stepmom’s sake. I suppose that is a failure and form of guilt as well.

My stepmom asked me about that once, and i told her to remember the purity of lust we both experienced during the activities with the dog, but that i also saw it as a true passion and deep affection of the same intensity and respect for each other. It has never come up again. We trauma bonded when dad died as only we could, and if the day comes she no longer wishes to be lovers i wjll respect it and try to find a sane way to learn to m********* comfortably again. For now i simply cherish when we get our time what it is like to slip into her arms and her body and feel alive with each other again. To have that shared comfort and peace and joy. We almost never speak until after, but we then talk about anytbing as only the most comfortable lifelong lovers can. Despite our ages and limited times together, my god, feeling her warm alive loving and moving with me is every time, as breathtaking snd joyous as that first time when i was 15 and she first wlecomed me as her lover. Every time i feel her arms and legs wrap around me and feel the heat of slipping gently into her, i am that same 15 year old being welcomed by her all over again. When she sighs in my ear breathlessly and tells me welcome back, that she is happy to have her man again, to hear her breath quicken and groan to tell me when to give it to her, release in her, give her what has always been hers. Perhaps it was not just about saving me from my degenerate behavior only. And every now and then, when she wants to take a trip down memory lane, she will ask if she can spank me, and i am head down a** up immediately. I never know when she will reach down and pull me back between my legs as my cheeks burn and she pulls it out of me as she continues to warm my bottom up as only she can.