Last week, after 10 years of hiding it and feeling guilty I confessed to my cousin that I was in love with her. I wasn’t looking for mutual feelings, I just couldn’t take the guilt anymore. I was convinced that when I finally confessed that everyone would hate me and I would have no relationship with any of my family left. I had even planned on killing myself after the fallout I thought would occur. I didn’t go through with it when the time came though and I was shocked to find that nobody so far has abandoned me. My parents have been helping me through the depression and my uncle/her father, who I was almost as terrified to face as my cousin, told me he still loved me and was more concerned that I would consider killing myself than what I had confessed.
However, the one person I have not spoken to since the confession is my cousin. I have not tried to contact her because I want her to move forward however she feels she needs to. So far she has not tried to contact me either and I am terrified that I’ve destroyed our relationship and she’ll never want to see me again. If she decides she doesn’t want me in her life anymore I will respect her wish, but we have been close our whole lives and if I lose her completely it will be devastating. I never wanted to have these feelings, I only ever wanted to be an important part of her life. I’ve tried to be a good friend and cousin to her and all I want is for things to be normal again. If things could be like they were before, but with no guilt, things would be perfect. That’s all I’ve ever wanted. But even If she still wants me in her life, nothing could ever be the same. She would always know and be thinking about it and I would always know she knows. Part of me is happy I have finally gotten this off my chest, but the other part of me wishes I was still hiding it because at least then everything could continue like everything was okay.
