Wrapping up my sin list…
G: for a severe alcoholic and bs artist, you were a very sweet and intelligent alcoholic bs artist (no knowledge on drugs and prefer to lie to myself that way). It was so sweeet and cute how you laid your head in my lap and put my hand in your p****** as I drove and you purred and came, and it was hot how you looked down and watched me eat you out in that hotel room. However, the fact that I was left to m********* as you slept after the eat out orgasms? Even to a guy like me, that’s cold. And I am the guy that masturbated at least three times from across the room looking at your naked sleeping body. And ya, that is pretty f****** icky.
One and only d********* I ever paid for: i walked away from that with peace and calm and self affirmation. The world of sensations and experiences you put me thru was beautifully breathtaking. It was not your fault that I have such a hang up about giving someone my o*****. That session taught me that o***** is not my favorite sensation, but that the joy and fulfillment is in the freedom and mindlessness of sensation.
R and R, my only ever t******** despite a multitude of fantasies: it was a beautiful experience and then some, you made it very comfortable to let myself be taken to your bed. It was disappointing that you were both such complete bottoms that it was probably my last best chance to lose my a*** virginity, so a combo awesome/bummer experience. And I was never allowed back despite the begging.
Robert: I loved coming to kneel for you whenever you wanted me to. But once a month simlly was not enough for me. I can only offer so many times.
A-A girl in your own back seat: you were beautiful and s*** as f***, and your c*** felt enormous. Enjoyed making you c** and wish I had gotten to more.
Finally, she who remains nameless by my choice and shall only be referenced by her brutal insult to me involving Darjeeling tea: you were beautiful and breathtaking in so many ways. Intelligent, strong, fragile. I rather enjoyed the hours spent exploring you, eating you, and f****** you. Despite that you never lifted a finger to touch me or even physically engage with me in any way. It was damned hot to remain fully clothed thru those hours of attention to your beauty, sensuality, and body. While your subsequent rejection of me and breaking of contact was brutal, I should probably thank you for teaching me that the vast majority of my intimate encounters laid out in this running sin list were only possible thru my own desperation or someone else’s desperation. You helped me find the ability to cathartically self denigrate by saying our loud, am I really that unattractive or undesirable? It actually allowed me to concretely accept the blatantly obvious fact that the only thing anyone wants of me s******* is their own pleasure/get off. You allowed me to formulate that those I have been with have been just as or far more neurotic than I was during those years. That all of you probably felt your own self loathing at having allowed yourself to have these experiences with me. In a sincerely non self harmful way, thank you all for never letting me forget to detach from the rare s***** events I now have and focus solely on my mental appetite for making others whimper, moan, squirm, and tremble in s***** pleasure then shut back down again. The truly regrettable part is that it took 49 people (counting 2 omitted from even this list)…29 women, 20 men… and none of them were necessarily lessons so much as reminders of an instinctive gut feel.
