7 years
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My girlfriend (long distance relationship), committed suicide because I am going to military bootcamp.

I don’t know how to feel right now..

On one hand: She could have very well been lying and just using the most innocuous method to dump me. But I’m not sure.

On the other hand: I did everything within my power to try to stop her. I talked to her, I tried to convince her, I did my absolute best at attempting to deter her. But alas, my efforts were insufficient.

A bit of a backstory here but we stated dating a month ago (literally) and I told her I was leaving for boot camp the minute she decided to want to be my girlfriend (I never chase for relationships, I’m too much of a nerd for that). She said she understood and would miss me. Given the moment the week comes that I’m about to leave, her dread sets in. She’s using blatant profanity, threatening to kill her self, or to kill me, all to keep me from going to bootcamp. I tell her that that’s a very irrational ultimatum, and that I already had signed the contract before we even started dating. I needed this opportunity in order to start my life, because the place I live doesn’t support my lifestyle and I’d be stuck in a hole, or worse, the streets, soon. If I didn’t employ this strategy. I tell her all of this, and yet she refuses to listen, saying I’m all she has left. I didn’t know at the time, but it’s possible that she was telling the truth.

She has many friends, family, acquaintances etc to aid her in her time of need. Yet she was stern on her ultimatum. She never understood that me, giving up my strategy for her was irrational, because my situation is far worse than she could imagine.

Fast forward to today, the literal one month anniversary of our relationship.She tells me that I am literally all she has left, she says that she was removed from her home, lost her job, and spent all the money at a local house. I was astounded. I had no idea things had gotten so grim for her. She also said that if she convinced me to stay, she would use the money to come stay with me (and frankly, my situation right now makes me wanna kill my self it’s so fucked up.) I tell her it wouldn’t be a good idea seeing as it’s literally hell where I am. She doesn’t listen, she doesn’t seek help, she doesn’t do anything to try to deter herself from committing suicide. I haven’t heard from her in the past 6 hours, ever since she said “I love you.” and I really think she either used suicide as a scape goat (which is really s***** move tbh, suicide is a real issue) or really committed suicide, and I’m an a****** for not being able to deter her enough.

I’m confused. I don’t know how to feel. This is the first time, anyone has died proprietary to my causing. Which really makes me hate myself.
Also, I’m “J” from a previous post and she said she still had the baby, so that’s fucked up.

New Confession

I had…well, have…a female cousin, she was younger than all us boys and was the only female cousin. Even before any of us went through puberty, she would flirt and flash and tease us and always wanted our pants down when she let us look at her nearly or completely naked. Before any of us were in or past puberty she was most prone to doing such things in the pool, rubbing up against us and even reaching into our swim trunks and fondling and rubbing our child p e n elises and fondling our tiny t e s tcles. Sometimes she would even risk taking off her bikin bottoms under the water and let us touch and rub her and fondle her cheeks as she kept fondling and rubbing us. She always laughed when we got our immature little erec tions. It was far beyond anything remotely normal or playing doctor. A handful of times at picnic family reunions she would let some of us go with her as she snuck us out into the woods and take off all our clothes and look at and fondle us. Sometimes she would even con us into fondling ourselves and each other and even wanting us to s*** each other’s miniature g*******. We would do anything for her she had us eating out of her hand. As we boys started going through puberty she would keep us doing all these things just for the chance to see her naked, we all knew it was dirty and wrong esp since she was a few years younger than us. When she learned it happened by seeing it frombus for the first time, she would always want us to mas tur bate so she could watch us squirt. When her body started developing she loved to show it off even more and would let us fondle and g**** her. She never did anything more than touch and fondle us. Never let us do anything but touch and fondle her. She was the puppeteer and we were her pathetic h**** addicted performers. There was nothing we would not do to degrade ourselves for her, just to touch and see her. Sometimes she wanted to see us all moaning and j e r king off non stop for her, but there were far too many times she would direct her own personal h********* p*** show by asking us to s u ck each other, she would mix up who of us did it to another, but it is a harsh truth that thanks to her my male cousins and i spent an obscene amount of time s u c king each other off. The most personal part of this? I tended to be the one she had on my knees the most s u c k ing off the others. And if there were family gatherings but she was not there or was not in the mood to tease us, the group of us male cousins would have our own s u c k and j e r k off parties. If she was not direcring us, we were all common c o c k s u m e r s, it was only at her direction with us that i was the busiest one.

She stopped being interested by the time she was 17. We male cousins continued to do these things. Even as we aged well into our 20s. We would sometimes get together to do so, in pairs or the group, and sometimes we would talk about how we hated how we had allowed ourselves to be led into all of it. We gradually grew out of that behavior completely but it was a long struggle because we had become a very severely addicted bunch.

Over time family gossip informed us that Sarah would fu ck anyone any time outisde the family. As my fellow male cousins and i learned of this, i said it was a shame someone else outside the family was enjoying all that. It led to me learning from my cousins that Sarah had been all of their firsts. My cousins did not understand why that angered me so much, and when i calmed down i confessed to them that i had twice begged Sarah to be my first and she had refused me both times. My cousins were both shocked and supportive, telling me that none of them had ever mentioned it but assuned she had claimed all their vir gin ities. She had been the one that approached them for that. They had just assumed it was the same for me because i was the one that was truly utterly infatuated with her. They offered to try to talk to her and find out why i was the only one she rejected from clsiming virginity but promised they would not at my sincere pleading because i did not want to know. All of us had dated and had s** with other women, our only male male experiences were amongst ourselves. It was even more hurtful and angering and even my fellow male cousins had figured she would have slept with me also because they figured i was her favorite, her most devoted and star “performer”. But they did also point out that when they had each lost their virginity to her that it was the last time she did anything with each of them ever again. It was a mystery to us all but my cousins were very empathetic and understood my hurt and anger. We never talk to or hear from Sarah any more, and i still sometimes wonder why i was the only one she rejected that way. It is f’d up that this is still a low level pain for me. Being the only cousin she didn’t f u c k.

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