Why do I think of such awful things?
I hold a lot of resentment for my mom because she was a coward who rarely helped me or stood up for me when my father would abuse me. A day or two ago, I drunkenly called her and screamed at her for letting all of this happen when she could have done something. She has forgiven me and I have apologized and recognized that I needed to get it off my chest, but I still feel so angry. I still have that feeling of resentment in me. I just feel like I was cheated out of having a normal childhood, and she let it happen. How could she truly love me when she let someone else hurt me so much over the course of many years? It’s just nonsensical. It’s not fair.
The worst part, however—I did an empty chair session (basically you pretend your therapist is your abuser and you say all the s*** you wanted to say to your abuser) with my therapist and it helped a little bit in getting over my abuse. But as I’ve already said, I still have a lot of anger towards my mom. And very recently, I’ve thought of doing the empty chair technique with her—but she would be dead. I would have killed her, but her on a chair, and talked to her about all the abuse she let happen. And that scares me. What’s even worse is that this isn’t the first time I’ve fantasized about killing my parents—I found that I was fantasizing about killing my father since I was just 12. And fantasizing about killing my mother came just a few years after that. I feel like I’m most likely a psychopath or something. I don’t even know if I truly LOVE anybody. I’m just a sick p************. There’s something deeply wrong with me but I don’t want to be institutionalized or jailed. I just have to live with these diseased thoughts and hope that I don’t sink low enough that I ACTUALLY kill my parents. I f****** hate existence.
