I have a few things that I feel guilty for, from when I was a minor. I’m currently in my early 20’s.

-I allowed a cousin two in a half years younger than me, preform oral s** on me whenever he wanted.

-His brother raped me twice,(cousin 1) along with another older cousin of mine. (I’ll call him cousin 2) and molested me for a few years. I admitted to these two things and was sent to therapy often. I even though it often hurts me to think about, I often feel as though I deserve to feel hurt and guilty. I encouraged and went along with this and the other things on this list, instead of stopping them. I was afraid that no one would believe me or that I’d get in trouble if I spoke up. I had a chance to go to court but I was afraid that none of my relatives would believe me nor the judge. When my relatives found out, all hell broke loose. Naturally. Fingers were pointed and I was accused of lying and lied about. I lied about one thing and one thing alone, that day. Cousin number two, one of the times he raped me, earlier that day, he actually told me that he was going to, and smiled. And he kept his word, that same night. Cousin 2 earlier that day, showed me his p****. I didn’t know what to do. For some reason, I kissed him. I don’t know why, I couldn’t stand him. He always made me uncomfortable and even once pressed his foot as hard as he could, against my croch. Itonically, he was the one who actually admitted to r***** me. Cousin 1, never did. I knew him much longer. Cousin 2 lied about me having s** with his little cousin. I once actually did touch his p****, while we were both partially under a a blanket. I don’t know why. I sure as hell wouldn’t have done or even thought of something like that, today. Even to someone my own age..

-I had an uncle who asked me to lie down with him on the couch once, when he was babysitting me. I did it and didn’t say a word. I lied there for a few seconds, then he told me to get up. So I got up and left the room. I haven’t told anyone until this year (2019).

-I was s******* harassed and assaulted by many boys in and out of school, throughout my childhood. And even an older female cousin. Again, instead of saying something or stopping it, I went with it. Thus, encouraging it.

-When I was in about middle school, I was asked to change a baby who was at my babysitter at the time’s house, and wgike changing her, I quickly stuck poked her lower stomach once, with the tip of my tongue. I was curious because it looked smooth. I still wonder and worry to this day about her remembering that..I never wanted to hurt anyone. I feel sick. I am sick. It doesn’t matter that I was a minor when these things happened. I knew what felt erong, before they even occurred..but I went with them, anyway. I was afraid to say “no” or go against what someone else wanted. And to this day, I honestly though sometimes I try to, I still have trouble saying “no”.

-I had another uncle who once played p*** on tv while myself and his children lied on the floor. He was on the couch. His children were asleep but I was awake. He messaged me and asked me if I liked it (what was on the screen) I think that I stupidly said “yes”. I remembering asking him what he was going beneath the covers, but I can’t remember what he said back. I asked him if he’d date me, for some reason. He said if I were a bit older. I believe he called me pretty at one point. I don’t know if those messages are still on my (at the time) phone or his to this day or not, but I remember trying as often as I could, to delete any perverted messages I had to avoid anyone getting in trouble. Again, I knew what felt wrong..it was going against it that scared me. I want to say I was around 12 or 13 when this happened.

-I had another younger cousin who once out his hand in my pants, then quickly pulled his hand back out. I put his hand back into my pants. I don’t know why. It was when I was much younger but I still hate tye fact that it hapoened. I f****** disgust myself. I hate that I don’t know why I did these things. They’re kiterally things that I’d think “what the hell?” These days, towards. So why did I do them? Especially when I ironically don’t even like touching or being touched by others.

-I once had a crush on a guy whose I believe is either a year in a half if not two years older than me and I once decided to meet him at his house. (I was 15, he was 17) I know, stupid move. He touched me, preformed oral s** on me..then bent me over, and penetrated me (vaginal). He didn’t ask and didn’t say anything when he did it. I let him. It eventually hardened maybe two or three more times after that. I eventually actually TRIED to open my mouth one day and asked him if we could use a condom. He said something along the lines of “don’t call it that, call it a glove. I thought “…okay then..?” He never gave me an answer. What I should’ve told the guy who didn’t love or even like me and simply called me his “f*** buddy”,(and from the start) was “I’m not interested” or “we shouldn’t do this” or even “I’m not comfortable.” But isntead, I just kept to my stupid motto of “If I say something, it’ll only make things worse for this person.” I liked him and wanted to just go for walks with snd have converdations with him. But it aleays ended up being about s**. I hated it. But encouraged it. Even when I was the most uncomfortable, I’d moan and oretend to enjoy it. Whenever he asked if I was okay, during, I’d lie every time and say “yeah”. I don’t get to be upset with any of these prople. I brought it onto myself by envoyrsging them and not saying “no” or fighting back. All I thought about was making relationships worse between myself and the people involved and that they’d get in trouble if I told anyone. I know, I’m an idiot. And for that, I made things worse for myself and others, over the years. I was used to being punished for anything and everything. And still am. And I deserve it, after what I’ve done to these people. I wake up every morning, wishing that I could redo these moments and many more. Every single morning. I sometimes think about confronting and meeting those people again, just to say something. Mainly to apologize and see what I can do to change things. I don’t intend or expect to change the past. What’s done is done, and I accept the bad things I get and the good things, I always feel as though I don’t deserve. And I don’t deserve them. I even currently have someone I consider a friend I after all of this, back in 2014, who sticks by my side and respects me, even after knowing all of this. I don’t understand it. I don’t deserve him or his empathy. I don’t deserve anyone’s empathy. I hate that I know him..I love who he is but hate who I am. The fact that he knows someone like me, makes me sick. The worst part is, he had a crush on me when we first met…he felt guilty about it immediately after admitting to it and offered to leave me be. I insisted he stay. I didn’t want him to feel ashamed or down for confessing that. But then I remembered, all too late, that he should be..because it’s me he feels for.he shouldn’t. I’m disgusting and pathetic. There are so many beautiful people in the world, who aren’t anywhere near as stupid, awful and repulsive as me. Out of tgem, he chooses to this day to speak to me every time he wakes up. Ask how I’m doing. Wants to spend every day with me. He provides me with so much, it makes my heart ache. I’m grateful..but hate that he’s wasting so much on me. I ask him why many times a year. He gives me the same answer every time. “Because I love you. You’re a kind and caring person.” I remind him of the things I’ve done, he says he doesn’t care about that. I don’t understand. I’m so horrible because of the actions I have listed above, that I even feel horrible for people I’ve been around for years and people I’ve known only for a short period of time. Even for people who have literally hurt me. Abusers..rapests, bullies..I feel bad for all of those who have met me. It’s unfortunate. And as for those who think I’m feeling sorry for myself, there’s a difference between speaking for pity and speaking for change. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want pity, I just want to know what to do to not erase my history with these people or bury it, but to better it. Right my wrongs. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me but, I hate knowing that one of if not some of the people involved in what I listed above, are probably miserable or hurting because of me. I know that whoever is reading this, has probably never met me but all opinions matter to me. (I know..that can be a bad thing in some cases, but I can’t help it. I’m very paranoid when it comes to how others feel. I have been for a long time.) but would you mind giving a thumbs up if you feel as though I should just live alone to avoid dragging others down and/or get a higher punishment than just being miserable and paranoid about it every day, or a thumbs down if I should try to move on and/or try to confront those involved and try to apologize and set things right best I can? (I’m aware that an apology won’t change a thing, but I want to try and do more than just apologize.) It would be greatly appreciated. I don’t know what else to tgink, say or do. It would help to know what a majority thinks. These are things that have been eating at me the most in life. I don’t like to make others suffer, honestly. I’m just afraid of going against others. Especially in person. It’s never ended well. Thank you and I’m sorry to anyone who recognizes anything listen above. I really am. I’d give so much to fix everything and do every single moment all over again differently.