I carved the word ‘rape’ into my arm a little over a month ago. I went to the doctor recently to have a blood test. He noticed the still red scars it left. He didn’t say anything about it directly, but he asked me if I had been staying safe. When I asked what he meant, he asked if anyone had been harassing me. I said no and acted confused, but in truth… I didn’t expect anyone to be so forward about it.

My work schedule and financial situation have become such that I can start working out again, and because of the nature of my job, I probably need to get stronger. I got excited because my employer offers a discount to a local gym that has an a 24 hour lap pool, and I really enjoy swimming. But with all the derogatory words I carved into my thighs… maybe I shouldn’t. I mean, if I go at midnight, no one should be there. But they might. I could wear shorts maybe. It would look a little odd in a gym.

My new job is in a hospital. I wear scrubs. Luckily they include scrub jackets so I can hide my arm. We deal with a lot of sexual assault victims, so having the word rape carved into my arm is like… not great. So I have to wear the jacket.

I definitely regret doing my arm. I wasn’t thinking clearly when I did it, obviously. I don’t necessarily regret the thighs, in fact I did one tonight. Pretty soon my crotch is going to be like a textbook! I can just swim with shorts I guess.

I’m working up the courage to do my breasts. I won’t carve any words though, just slash them. It will hurt to wear sports bras… but I deserve it.

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