I’ve been abused my whole childhood, by my father, my mother and all of my stepdads, it’s what I’m used to living with. Not being enough for even my family. I’ve been with the same man since I was 13. I’m now 18. We grew up as childhood friends, so close and inseparable, our families loved it more than anything when we got together. I poured my heart into everything for him, I gave up so much for him. I moved across the country for him, hurt myself protecting him. I thought he did the same for me, but it was all a lie. I found out he was… a “player”. Always leading female friends on, flirting so hard. That wasn’t such a big deal as everything else, but it still hurt that while I saved myself like a nun, he was having fun. He always chose his friends over me, when I got hurt, he sided with them. Making me look crazy and bitchy for not liking the way they talk to me. Then, he told me he wanted to explore his s********, and I didn’t want him to feel pressured to be one way or the other so I allowed him to do it once, letting me know everything. He did, with his best male friend, we’ll call him Trevor. He told me he hated it, and that was it, so I thought. Then I found out he had been sleeping with him for three years behind my back. I was upset, but not as upset as I would’ve been about a girl. I wanted him happy, and if that meant exploring his s******** with a man I trusted, it was fine. So we planned a three-way… but I didn’t want to. It hurt me to do that. So we all backed out after an awful drunken attempt.
After that, I thought everything would be normal. I lived with him, so I kept taking care of him, acting nurturing since all I ever wanted was to make him happy. Working my a** off to help him with bills (he was working too), cooking, cleaning, making sure he was safe and happy. I pushed myself so hard trying to make sure I was perfect. Then last year on christmas, I found out he was trying to get with this girl, he told her we weren’t together, that she was beautiful and he loved her. I snapped, threw his phone, slapped him, lashed out. Especially after I found out he also told his parents we broke up so he wouldn’t get in trouble for being with other women. Shortly after that, I found out he cheated on me with my best friend. Told his friend he didn’t love me. Yelled at me for doing drugs in highschool, calling me a failure for years while he was out doing drugs and screwing anything with a pulse. I broke, I told him I hated myself for not being enough. That’s when he was sorry. After all these years of bullying me and lying to me, he tried to kill himself. He spent four days in the mental hospital, I thought he’d change. But after he got out, I found out about this girl in there he got really fond of, I told him I wasn’t comfortable with it considering his past. He said he wouldn’t talk to her. A week later I found they were sending pictures and talking every day since she was released. I got mad again. He kept lying.
This is when I became a bad person. After hurting myself for him for years, I wanted to feel loved. I slept with his friend, Trevor, the one he cheated on me with. And I loved it. I figured if he got to sleep with him, why shouldn’t I? Then, I slept with his best friend, we’ll call him Lonnie. He slept with my best friend, why couldn’t I? And then, I just wanted to feel more love than I’ve ever felt before, so I had a t******** with an old friend from school and his girlfriend. Did coke and other drugs all night. And had s** with the friend three more times after that. And I’m planning to have him over this Saturday to do coke and feel appreciated once again.
I hate feeling this way and doing these things, but he’s been lying and abusing me for years, but he’s all I know. And I just want to feel something other than pain, for a moment.
