I wasn’t the friend I should have been to someone. I still hold them dear, but I was in a rough patch in my life and as a way to feel like I exerted some control, I would over-analyze my interactions with people- I am lucky I could move through that with some of these people and actually let these friendships blossom. I’ve missed out on enough s*** because I was sad.
However this one person received the most analysis from me, for a number of reasons, but I think it was because they 1. inspired a lot of feelings in me, I was (and am) excited to know them and 2. I don’t exactly find them easy to read. I was insecure, and I don’t do super well with change, as much as I’d like otherwise.
However, we haven’t been on the same terms for….a couple months now. I’m very sad that I didn’t realize sooner what a d*** I was being to such a cool person, and I don’t know if they even care about it. Nevertheless, if I could rewind I really really would.
But, the thing I’m stuck on now is that I have this guilt over how our relationship has gone because I wasn’t being my best self, I was selfish and foolish. And I feel like I’ve forgotten how to talk to them, and mostly end up annoying them, which is understandable. I don’t think apologizing would be productive, I think I need to accept not every friendship works out, and that’s ok (not that my behavior was). But I don’t know how to move on from this guilt, but apologizing seems self serving. Of course I regret being a bad friend, but I don’t know how I made them feel- if anything, this may be totally inconsequential to them. This leaves a lot of my motivation for apologizing on the potential that I have hurt them, so what do I feel guilty about? Would apologizing just serve to ease my guilt? Is it because I feel like if I can fix something, we can still be friends? Is it just so I know I did something? Is it so I can feel I earned their time? It’s not about how they feel because I don’t know.
Also I don’t know if we could be good friends anyways, even if we were at first. I feel like I forget how to talk to them a lot, and that inspires a lot of anxiety for me, plus probably doesn’t make me the best conversation partner for them. I don’t really know what happened though, and I don’t know why I care so much considering I didn’t know them for long. griubrfkj I hate not knowing why I feel some way. I feel like they gave me one more chance and I shot it in the face.
For whatever it’s worth I am sorry if I made you feel bad. You deserve better people, which you have. I wish you all the best always, and hopefully our paths can cross is a more positive manner someday.