After so many counseling sessions, and years of improving myself, changing from passive to active, destructive to creative, and finding friends that I

7 years

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After so many counseling sessions, and years of improving myself, changing from passive to active, destructive to creative, and finding friends that I truly love, I still feel like no one loves me. What’s worse is that even if they tell me they love me, I still can’t feel it, whenever they say it I just want to say “you don’t understand”, but I don’t want to hurt them so I quit talking about it.
I feel guilty that no matter how hard I try to understand and try to adapt a healthy thinking style, my heart still feels pain. Even though I have a dream that keeps me alive, suicidal thoughts still pop up in my mind from time to time. And my friend struggling with her life and tell me that she’s dying, she says that again and again, and whenever she feels down or anxious. I hate her doing that because I can’t say it even if I want to die. But I can’t blame her, right? I can blame no one. But it sure feels good to be able to blame someone, so I blame myself.
I have all these thoughts but I have no one to talk safely with, not even my counselor who has a very positive impression of me. I can write in my diary but I have been writing about such things for a thousand times now.
I just don’t understand… Why is everyone else living just fine, but I am like this, as if I am an alien who cannot breathe in air.

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