Everyone in my immediate family is on antidepressant medication except me. That from the start has made me feel bad. I wonder if it was me that caused

7 years

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Everyone in my immediate family is on antidepressant medication except me. That from the start has made me feel bad. I wonder if it was me that caused that to happen. My sister moved out but still lives rather close, so she visits just about everyday. When I come home from school I try to act happy and do a few dumb and goofy thing to get my parents to laugh. My mom has to take care of my dad and I know he feels terrible about that but she acts like it is fine. Sometimes he just likes to push her buttons. They get mad at each other all the time. I hear them yelling and it just makes me sick to my stomach. I try to spend my time with them evenly to make them feel better. I feel that my dad’s health is getting worse and I pray that he gets better, but I know he will not ever get better if he does not change his ways. He is probably going to die in this state but I hope and pray that he gets better. I can tell my mom resents my dad for becoming like this. I try to always be the happy one. I try to smile and laugh, but sometimes i can’t. Today I snapped and I told them both to just stay in their little ball of sadness and I left. I feel terrible. I have tried for a long time to be the happy person for them but I can’t any more. This has been going on for 7 years now. This fall I am moving 3 hours away to go to college. I don’t know how to fix things before I have to leave. I do not want to leave my family this, but I don’t know how much more I can take.

New Confession

My parents didn’t do enough when raising me to teach me that actions have consequences and you can’t just be anything you want.

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.