Maybe getting banned from Muttr was a good thing, because now that I realise my toxic and repetitive behaviors I can solve them. For instance, how I used to complain about the same thing is still highly reminiscent of my reality. The amount of times where I pissed of my friends into leaving or having a nervous breakdown is just horrendous. I now know not to talk s*** about people to another person and that it isn’t healthy at all to hold grudges. I’m going to say that it’s my fault that I’m depressed. I know that I don’t want to hear those words but realistically speaking, you’re going to be fucked if you don’t live a healthy enough lifestyle. Eating s***, sleeping rough, gaming and checking social media all of the time is bound to affect my image. I feel guilt, like I’m not making an impact. Not understanding why, I become suicidal. It doesn’t help that I have more time to collect negativity fron staying in my room, I become a magnet for attracting past memories. I’ve more or less cured my depression before through therapy, exercise, healthy eating, meditation, mindfulness and fresh air. I didn’t even go on antidepressants and this is coming from a guy who’s been formally diagnosed with clinical depression. I don’t need to die, just the part of me that’s resistant to social interaction of any form and the part which limits my motivation to get s*** done by acting on impulses. The mistakes don’t make me worthless, thinkin and bitching about them does.

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