I hate the feeling that me being with her those years ago, a waste of time and destructive and then all of what happened after with the scene I made, that

7 years

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I hate the feeling that me being with her those years ago, a waste of time and destructive and then all of what happened after with the scene I made, that it might have hurt you and changed the way you see me, without me seeing you there. With how I’ve always felt about you, you had the power to keep my mind on you and away from anything else. I needed it then.

I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you or make you see me differently and it kills me that you could have even been in my corner, and I just didn’t see you. You never left me

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I need to cry so badly but I cant. There is so much bad in my life this year. The tears just wont come though. I think I’m too damaged to cry. too numb.

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.