I don’t know where else to go with this, and I don’t have anyone else to tell, but I have to say something. I’m being eaten alive with guilt.

quick warning that this gets dark, and covers themes of r***, molestation, general abuse, so on, and so forth. if you are uncomfortable with that, please leave now.

Let’s start here. I am 25 years old, and up until today, I thought I was trans (female to male), but after a huge earth shattering epiphany I’m severely struggling, because I feel like I have no identity.

When I was younger, I was always a tomboy. I didn’t do girly stuff, I hated it, I wanted to be outside, playing with animals, getting dirty. Typical tomboy s***.
I don’t think that’s why I have gender issues. Tomboys are valid. Boys who play with girl things are valid. Toys and play time are just that, toys and play time.

I use to think that’s why I was trans though. I took that as early signs and rolled with it, because I knew above all else at one point, I did NOT like being a woman. I didn’t want to be one, referred to one, it made me suicidal to even look at myself, or think I was a woman. Still to this day I feel that way.

But I don’t know if I’m trans, or just fucked up beyond repair.

When I was young, from the ages of, if i had to make an estimate, 8-12, my stepsiblings (one male, one female) mercilessly molested me. Repeatedly raped. Every time I went to my mother’s house, it happened. I was forced to my mother’s house. I told my mother, repeatedly, and was told that that was just playing house, and learning to play adults. I was told that if I ever told other adults, I would get in trouble, and it would ruin my older stepsiblings’ lives.
So I never did.
My mother just brushed it off, and it continued until they all moved away.

After that, I adjusted to a different life. Things were all well and good for a while.
I got older, and around 14 I started realizing I wasn’t attracted to boys, but girls were real cute.
So little me got on the internet and was like “oh im a lesbian, that’s cool”. So I started dating girls.
From the time I was 14-17, I dated girls.
A few were fine, but some of the deeper, longer lasting relationships went real bad.
Again, I found myself in a position of unwilling submission.
3 separate girlfriends raped me.

I never told a soul, because what my mother had drilled in to me for years was all I could think of. Yes they had hurt me, but I still loved them at the time, and didn’t want to ruin their lives.

It was around 17 when I met my best friend, who is now, incidentally enough, my husband.
He was much more well versed in talking about these things, and helping me process them. He never pushed, he never forced, it just was what it was. Things were great.
Through my ventures on the internet, I discovered what being transgender was, and I thought, “Hey, that sounds like me” so I rolled with it, and since I was 19 I’ve been identifying as a man, and around 20, when I moved away from home, starting presenting as a man. I was dating my husband at the time, and he was just happy I was happy.
I’m so very thankful for him.

We continued like that up until now. Things were great. I knew I harbored a great fear and disgust towards women, and up until the last few years, that was even socially. I’ve grown a good bit since then, and I actually have a few female friends I hold very dear, but they know that affection is an absolute no from me. They get the occasional hug, and a safe send off when they leave, but that’s it.

So let’s get to the guilt.
I, like many other grown adults, m*********.
I came to realize when casually discussing p*** and kinks with a few friends, that I have very telling and fucked up tastes in p***.
And I didn’t realize the correlation until now.

The only thing I can get off to is brutality, to put it simply.
Staged r***. Women being forced. HorrorPorn.
Dark s*** like that…

And I feel disgusting for that.. Anyone who watches that should feel disgusting and ashamed of themselves, but, this is about me.
My problem now is; I’m still disgusted with myself on many levels, physical, my tastes, ect. But what do I do? I can NOT live my life as a woman. I just can’t. I’d sooner kill myself than live that way.

But because of this, am I not trans? I feel harmful towards the trans community with this realization, and while no one other than my husband will ever know, I just..

I don’t know what to do.
I feel sick.
I’m sorry for the novel, but I had to get this out somewhere.