My boyfriend committed suicide because of me last year. I kept cheating on him with strangers. He was depressed over it. But, the final straw that did it

7 years

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My boyfriend committed suicide because of me last year. I kept cheating on him with strangers. He was depressed over it. But, the final straw that did it was when I had s** with his best friend. I’ve been celibate since he killed himself because of the guilt but I wish I could have stopped before he killed himself. The guilt of what I did to him is killing me and I just want to join him.

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I need to cry so badly but I cant. There is so much bad in my life this year. The tears just wont come though. I think I’m too damaged to cry. too numb.

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.