was talking on tumblr to another person at 4am ish. was terribly tired and not thinking logically.

said some things about my s***** problems that i shouldn’t have said to anyone but a therapist (which i probably need) and now the person wants nothing to do with me and me to have nothing to do with them and probably the rest of the site.

God is getting desperate if He’s putting fanfiction writers in front of me to do His work because i did not sleep a wink the rest of the night, nursing mild nausea.

i want to thank them for giving me the wakeup call i needed. i resolved then and there to reevaluate myself and to quit m*********** and viewing pornogrophy cold turkey. today is day two, tomorrow will be difficult.

how long should i wait to thank them? should i tell it to their face at all?

i worry about myself and how my desires may or may not affect my life in the future. i have pedophilic desires but it does not dominate my s********. i have viewed lolicon p********** (i have viewed realistic p********** but never masturbated to it) and undeniably find it arousing. i still struggle to put my finger on exactly why and being an analytical guy that bothers me.

my moral compass is very conservative and somehow i let a “happy accident” resulting in my first o***** spiral into this?! God is a great God for forgiving me of this.

but here’s the kicker. while i’m glad this person was very up front about the fact that i have a serious problem, will i be judged if i seek help? for what i may do?

I went to the early church service that Sunday (i’m in the choir, we were singing, i usually go to the late service) and nearly cried during corporate confession.

haha look at me. a p*** that knows what he feels is wrong? yeah, right, you say? and because of it i have no right to be around little kids even if i fully understand to act on my carnality would be wrong and make my life very difficult in addition to ruining many others’?
not to be selfish about it but the self wants only to help itself. if the self understands that something will not help it it will generally be unwilling to do it.

please God help me. put a person in my life to help me and give me guidance. awaken whatever compassion you can in the people that see this for me, that i may be helped and changed for the better, or at least learn how to live with sin on my mind, because when you take me home, i’ll know i haven’t missed out by refusing to listen to that devil in my head. your grace is sufficient for me. in the name of Jesus, amen.