Caring for my deeply depressed partner is fine, even though it can be hard, its manageable and the amount of good outweighs the difficulties. Then one of my best friend starts struggling with bipolar disorder, and i’m one of the closest to her. She needs me every day, and we often discuss her problems. It’s still fine, its manageable. But then my long time alcoholic father starts talking about suicide…. well, its starting to tear on my own mental state, I never feel I can do enough, and if I don’t do enough, my partner and friend gets angry at me for not caring enough about them…

I even went to visit one of my (seemingly worry-less) friends to have some days to built up enough energy to keep helping them. Then he tells me he have considered suicide 10 times this month. Beside that, my mother needs me a lot too, to battle her loneliness.

I don’t mind helping, I do care about them. But I feel bad for not being able to help them enough, and I feel bad for complaining, because I know they struggle more than me. But still, I can’t talk to any of them of my own problems. Very recently a colleague of mine killed himself, and no one expected it. We were friends, and it came as a shock, but I can’t talk to anyone about it, because I will only make them more depressed. And of course I cant tell one of them, that Im trying to help someone else, because they will feel like a burden and feel even worse.

I’m surrounded by all these people, but I have never felt more alone and lost, and drained for energy. I’m not saying having depressed people in your life is bad, but to have so many who needs you all the time, and have nothing left over to give back (and I feel bad for even expecting that), it is slowly pushing me into a state of hopelessness and darkness.