I just feel like at one point I’m at a good place w/God and then the nxt I’m back to doing something that hurts Him. I have the most absolute love for God

7 years

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I just feel like at one point I’m at a good place w/God and then the nxt I’m back to doing something that hurts Him. I have the most absolute love for God but I keep hurting Him. But I know it in my heart that He forgives continuously even when I’ve messed up. And that hit me, because if the love of my life ever cheated on me and came back and apologized. Saying “I love you” after he’s betrayed me. I wouldn’t take him back, I wouldn’t forgive him. I’d hold a grudge for a while and then find the peace to forgive. Just imagine how it is w/me and God. This relationship I have w/God, everyday I get up and tell Him that I love Him and then later on the day, I’ll do something that betrays Him. And what does He do? Forgives me even when I haven’t even asked yet. Some days I get up and ask myself “are you even worthy to be called the child of God?” It hurts. But I pray w/every fiber of my being that God guides me to do better. Because if that were me it’d be so exhausting to forgive and forgive and forgive… i would’ve given up on myself, but God hasn’t. I just wanna do better😔

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.