I just feel like I need to get this out there…this is the man who raped a 10 year old girl and was offered free cosmetic surgery last night to heal all the scars on my a*** and genital areas from being raped in jail for 5 years and from being abused by a woman I thought loved me. I got away from her. I just told my probation officer this morning and he said he was going to overlook one infraction because he does not want me to go back to jail because I take care of my younger brother (22) who has down syndrome. I also go to college part time with the goal of maybe opening a restaurant business one day.
Now, you people who call me the scum of the Earth, I already know I am. I have no self esteem at all, no confidence, like I said, I don’t even feel like I’m a person anymore- just a thing to be used and abused. I am so thankful to this woman who offered me free cosmetic surgery- it may boost my confidence and get me on track again. Everytime I look at my p**** or touch my a*** area while wiping or washing, I won’t feel those huge scars from my abuse and maybe I won’t be traumatized each time. I am putting my search for a wife on hold for the time being while I go to counseling and get my life in order. That lady offering free plastic surgery may well have saved my life last night. I was just going to end all my pain and suffering- but I thought if I did that who would look after my brother? I’m just 30 years old, I want to marry and have a family, buy a house and see the world. I’m not a monster even though I feel like it sometimes. When my victim becomes an adult, I want to personally apologize to her. There is no f****** excuse as to what I did to her and I don’t even know why I did it. I will explore that in counselling as well.
Lastly, at the time I committed my crime at 23, I had over $50,000 saved from just my labors- I worked part time since I was nine years old doing everything from washing cars to cleaning up dog poop. I saved every cent. It was going to be used for my brother’s care. The young girl I raped needed a major surgery to save her uterus from the damage I caused. She didn’t have insurance and her parents were on the poor side. Her family got an annonymous donation of 47,000 to cover the full cost of her surgery and follow up care for a year. No one will ever know it was from me. I did not even tell my parents. This young lady will have the opportunity to be a mom and hold and infant one day while her proud husband looks on.
For my future, I just wish I could find one woman who will treat me kindly despite all the harm I caused.