im feeling guilty, or am i? my story in which i cant confess to most of my friends because i'll end up getting judged im sure is about an endless fight

8 years

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im feeling guilty, or am i?
my story in which i cant confess to most of my friends because i’ll end up getting judged im sure is about an endless fight between me and inner me, to recap i was with a boy and we pretty much talked about everything, no, E V E R Y T H I N G. we shared thoughts, memories, breakdowns, tragedy,happiness,laughter, anything that can ever cross your mind. i thought i was in love it was a soul to soul kind of a relationship, even though that boy wasn’t really my type but still the feeling i kept on having each time we talked is heavenly, until i met another one…. he was oddly my type, that charismatic hard to reach kind of boy, i was basic i admit thinking that oh god how charismatic i love this,,, and step by step i found myself catching feelings for that guy, he confessed i was happy i shall admit too, but ummmmmm
i was like there is no way im hurting my boyfriend and im still confused i didnt understand what my heart was trying to say it was a black enigma that i never understood, so, i never kissed before, one day i was out with friends and he was with us so mm he kissed me i was shocked and i felt such a self loathing, the fact that i cheated.. for that reason i broke up with my boyfriend thinking that its so SO unfair for him.
so yeah i thought.. i thought i was happy with my decision until reality began to hit, oh god i started realising how dumb i was choosing a person just because he’s ” my type ” , it was different the relationship was way too shallow i hated myself we shared nothing, i get judged at every thought i say, im not blaming him its just like we didnt see things from same prespective, i started regretting my decision little by little but i kept on convincing myself that NO it is what it is, we kissed again and oh god i felt NOTHING, i felt so forced and had such a stomachache that day, that was the day when i realised that i wasnt in love, that iwas thinking basic, i talked with my ex he was sooo mad at me but mature enough to try to understand all the chaos im having, me and my ex, we never kissed, but we talked a looooot about it, it was like a fantasy for me, and oh god the nights we shared, every night told a story, we keep talking on the phone trying to solve what happened, crying, yelling, overreacting,,, everything, we were like two people who think that they’re by their own in this universe everything can happen with no literal judgment, no one is watching anyways right? we talked about the kiss that we never had to, we sexted, masturbated together? everything? literally? there was no limits literally,,,, and we met, we were talking and i dont know we just kissed,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, oh god,,,,,,,,,,,,, i d i e d, the feeling was u n d e s c r i b a b l e, he asked; feeling guilty? i said N O not even a little, it was like we flied to another planet we didnt give a f*** about all basics of life. i a d o r e h i m its unbelievable, what i had in mind? but there is something i was sure of though if i didnt do what i did already i wouldnt never ever know how madliy insanelyblindly in love i am with him.
we met again, we made love i wished that day never end really ..
anyway, what im trying to say here never think basic love isnt about material things really is about a soul to soul talk is about that insane feeling u get when that person touches your skin, that mad lust you get…… oh god im out of words whenever i think of him
i know i messed up things but at least im not confused anymore, i know what i literally want;
he’s not reading i hope, i just want to say, i love you, insanely, honestly, madly, blindly, utterly, thanks for understanding what i went through and for forgiving me. im forever grateful.
Thanks for existing i wont ever ever hurt you again.

New Confession

I know the ex wife posts prob get old butbi have no one else to or vent this chaos and toxicity to. Ed wife talk last night, she had expectes reaction to FWB thing ended. After that call i got a string of provocative pics and vids from her. Was a atruggle fir me to disregard and not respond. She came over and when i did not answer door got mad over locks changing and her key not working. Got a bit loud so to not make a scene let her in. She ranted a bit then started crying saying she couls not go back to no s** in her life (not about me just s** in general). Said she knew i knew how that feels and she was not wrong. She calmed down and we talked a bit but she would not give up completely, even a bit haughty said ok the punishment was fine just whatever i felt i had to do so the s** could reaume. Warned her that she may not realize what that meant and allowed her to see the bruises on my cheeks backs of thighs and scrotum. She got a bit wide eyed and asked how i was letting the coach/coordinator do that and control my s** life and by eztension hers as well. I told her it was simple…he makes sure i get enjoyablesex because i cant go back to no s** either. She said she understood that and stood and raised her skirt and pulled her p****** down and bent over the end id the sofa. I managed to be brave enough to ask her if this was about s** with me or wanting him to f*** her again. She asked if that really mattered if everyone wins. I told her it only mattered because if she had any hope of being fucked by him again there would have to be a vudeo and she shrugged I took off my belt and gave her what i had gotten for the most part. It was rough on her but after a while the moans and cries lessened. She ended up turning and kneeling and lifting her breasts up and i realized what she wanted. I had the thought of this is not suppposed to be for her enjoyment but the concept of abusing and marking her breasts with my belt was intriguing. I suppose it does not matter why but bottom line while i belted ber breasts one of her hands went between her legs and she came. She asked if she had taken the punishment he intended. I told her there was one more step. I led her to the bathroom and had her kneel in the shower and she was wide eyed and angry but she took my limp p**** in het hand and aimed me all over her body except her face. I helped rinse her off after. Took her back to hr clothes but she remained bare and asked to see tbe video. It was as if i was not there as she roamed her hands over her marked areas and it had to have been painful the way she mauled her breasts and even climaxed while watching herself sprayed with ny urine. Looked at me and even asked if i wanted to m********* on her. I declined and said i just couldnt at her ezpense. She nodded and as she put her clothes and said she wanted to be honest that she still deaperately wanted him to f*** her again and to please show him the video. I promised i would and would let her know. I told her i understood the preference because when he fucked her i had seen her respond in ways i did not know existed. She sad she was sorry and drew the analogy of me being on my knees for neghborhood men, there was a fulfillment that we did not complete for each other. Made sense to me without being hurtful. She also even quietly admittes that she wanted us to try to resume our FWB acticities because i was able to give her what she needed in a mainstream way and was fearful of losing that with hiw well i knew her core needs and pleasures. Then she teased me and said that she had definite interest in kneeling in the shower again and that she had not expected to enjoy it, that her desire to m********* again was mostly becsase of that and admitted it was not punishment for her. I laughed and said that we would keep that in mind especially since i did not know how whether he would reconsider even with thr punishment nor how he would respond to me even letting her in the door. She said she understood and that even if he waa angry and cut me off then we had something new to enjky and i would make a huge pot of coffee and we would make a day out of it. Multiple random feelings. How he will react. How i will handle being cut off aa well and relying even more heavily on my ex wife for s**. Becsuse that might get even more codependent and tozic and it already is so badly.

Related Confessions

Talk anout regretting on top of guilt. Ex wife was worried about what was going on after she sthpidly started trying to xontact the s** ciach/coordinator to f*** her again. She was burning me up with texts and calls. I finally told her the short form of what happened punitively and she at first sisnt seem to care. All she wantes to talk about waa him f****** her again. Welcome to the latest reason this is all so toxic. That while i had arranged it the whole mess was going to make it where i have no s***** outlet at all and only my body had paid the price for her obsession about this man f****** her again. That at least caught her attention. I tols her the bruises will take days or over a week to fade and j was still in serious pain. She kept asking and i told her i was not going to send her video she would have to aee wgat i meant in person. Conflicting for me because of pain anger and motive and pretty sure ahe only wants to see the video for the kick of it. Atm i could care if she comes over or sees it or i end up celibate bc of her.