• 5 years ago
  • 512 Views

im feeling guilty, or am i?
my story in which i cant confess to most of my friends because i’ll end up getting judged im sure is about an endless fight between me and inner me, to recap i was with a boy and we pretty much talked about everything, no, E V E R Y T H I N G. we shared thoughts, memories, breakdowns, tragedy,happiness,laughter, anything that can ever cross your mind. i thought i was in love it was a soul to soul kind of a relationship, even though that boy wasn’t really my type but still the feeling i kept on having each time we talked is heavenly, until i met another one…. he was oddly my type, that charismatic hard to reach kind of boy, i was basic i admit thinking that oh god how charismatic i love this,,, and step by step i found myself catching feelings for that guy, he confessed i was happy i shall admit too, but ummmmmm
i was like there is no way im hurting my boyfriend and im still confused i didnt understand what my heart was trying to say it was a black enigma that i never understood, so, i never kissed before, one day i was out with friends and he was with us so mm he kissed me i was shocked and i felt such a self loathing, the fact that i cheated.. for that reason i broke up with my boyfriend thinking that its so SO unfair for him.
so yeah i thought.. i thought i was happy with my decision until reality began to hit, oh god i started realising how dumb i was choosing a person just because he’s ” my type ” , it was different the relationship was way too shallow i hated myself we shared nothing, i get judged at every thought i say, im not blaming him its just like we didnt see things from same prespective, i started regretting my decision little by little but i kept on convincing myself that NO it is what it is, we kissed again and oh god i felt NOTHING, i felt so forced and had such a stomachache that day, that was the day when i realised that i wasnt in love, that iwas thinking basic, i talked with my ex he was sooo mad at me but mature enough to try to understand all the chaos im having, me and my ex, we never kissed, but we talked a looooot about it, it was like a fantasy for me, and oh god the nights we shared, every night told a story, we keep talking on the phone trying to solve what happened, crying, yelling, overreacting,,, everything, we were like two people who think that they’re by their own in this universe everything can happen with no literal judgment, no one is watching anyways right? we talked about the kiss that we never had to, we sexted, masturbated together? everything? literally? there was no limits literally,,,, and we met, we were talking and i dont know we just kissed,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, oh god,,,,,,,,,,,,, i d i e d, the feeling was u n d e s c r i b a b l e, he asked; feeling guilty? i said N O not even a little, it was like we flied to another planet we didnt give a f*** about all basics of life. i a d o r e h i m its unbelievable, what i had in mind? but there is something i was sure of though if i didnt do what i did already i wouldnt never ever know how madliy insanelyblindly in love i am with him.
we met again, we made love i wished that day never end really ..
anyway, what im trying to say here never think basic love isnt about material things really is about a soul to soul talk is about that insane feeling u get when that person touches your skin, that mad lust you get…… oh god im out of words whenever i think of him
i know i messed up things but at least im not confused anymore, i know what i literally want;
he’s not reading i hope, i just want to say, i love you, insanely, honestly, madly, blindly, utterly, thanks for understanding what i went through and for forgiving me. im forever grateful.
Thanks for existing i wont ever ever hurt you again.

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