this is going to be a long short story on how i fucked up my life. mostly rambling
when i was about 6-7 i touched my sister, she is younger than me of course. some time later on a family trip she had to sit on my lap because our car was small. she pretended to sleep and let me touch her again but i was a coward so i started doing that on a semi-regular basis for maybe 6 months. we were never caught. i was maybe 12-13 at the time. one night i tried to take it a step further but it seemed she was ok with stopping so she pretended to push me away in her sleep and we never did anything again. i was very antisocial, of course i had my click of people i inserted myself into the lives of but we moved often and rarely had any good friends. i think i fared worst of all of my 5 brothers and sisters. always treating people interchangeably and disposable and ended up as the kid that just helped others with there work and never talked to anyone else for anything else. most of my life was sort of like that, just kindof did stuff no emotional or physical payoff. my first orgasm wasnt even for a few years after this happnend.
there was a people others tried to set me up with. people who were dumb shy or had some arbitrary characteristic that was what they thought i might be into. but i shyed away from girls so even i diddnt know what i really liked. of course i masturbated to porn, who diddnt. but that doesnt tell you much about preferences. when i turned 18 and was a junior in high school i did meet a girl, she was pretty a full head shorter than me. i had given her my jacket because she was shivering. she refused to take it at first but i insisted. we did the dance of 2 shy kids trying to be in a relationship but ended because i made several sexual advances over the 8 months we were together and she rejected them all. that was probabily one of the worst things that happnend.
i had no friends, not rlly. i got along with some people but it was only at school and since graduation i haven’t spoken to or seen any of them. ive now been living at home for 3 years with no job and no motivation to do anything. i have no friends i keep up plesentries with family because i have to and im currently a 21 year old virgin. rare in modern times im sure.
i could go get a job and try and venture out into the world but. im very good at putting on any face i want and im very good at talking to people and in front of groups but the motivation just isnt there. i get spurts of motivation but i overwork myself and burn out and go deeper into my shell eveytime without meaning to. ive put most of my time into the arts because what else was i going to do in school, talk to people. so im a good artist, and i usually dont compare myself to others but its hard sometimes. i think my story will end like any other. failed to make anything of myself and then die alone with nothing but a mountian of broken bridges lining my path and regret.
i’ve never feel strong emotions, that may be a cause or effect of my life im not sure. never felt very happy or angry, i just put on the mask that best suits the situation. im not a sociopath i do feel, the strongest emotions ive felt never came from human contact however. maby with that girlfriend i had. but it was mostly a bad experiance and deluding myself. if you read all of this than thank you. there is no reason to write down all of this but i thought why not.