This story is kind of long, I’m sorry for any typose. I just wanted someone to read this.I lost my virginity when I was 15. Blackout drunk… I feel very ashamed and regretful and I feel like I can’t confide in most my friends and have them fully support how I feel about the whole mess. My boyfriend -who was actually there, and I’ll explain more later- only gets mad at me when I’m up late in tears and even attempt to vent to him.

The story starts a few months back when I finally started talking to my crush on the bus, a guy I had admired since the fourth grade. We will call him Brown. I was a freshman, he a senior. He always so kind to me, especially then. We talked for hours on end every day after school on SnapChat. I told him several, very secret, secrets. On the bus he had always been so nice to me, and for a small minute I had thought that maybe he had finally seen me, that he was finally going to realize that we were meant to be.

Two months rolled by quickly, so quickly. Prom days were coming close and I was so hopeful my bus crush was going to ask me. I endlessly babbled to my friends about it, soaking the confirmation in that he ‘most-definitely had to surely like me.’ And then the day came, scrolling through Facebook, a very cute promposal made out to an age appropriate, very cute girl. Sincerely, Brown.

My heart was broken, the small amount of self-esteem I had pieced together fell apart and scattered across the cafeteria floors. My friends were ‘so so sorry,’ and my mind was filled with ‘you really didn’t even need him’ and ‘hes not even that cute.’ This felt like the worst thing to have ever happened to me, even after the countless hurdles my young self had already endured.

Fast forward to the end of the summer. I hadn’t talked to Bus Crush since that day, cutting him mostly out of my life, refusing his smiles and kind gestures on the bus. Trying to ignore the way my heart beat quickened when he walked down the aisle or said my name. Repressing the thoughts and fantasies of us being a happy, stereotypical high school couple. I had talked to few other people over the summer, but nothing compared and no one truly wanted me. Not like I had thought Brown had.

My friend had gotten kicked out of his house, for some undeniably wrong reasons that I will keep out of my own confessions. A story that is not mine to tell. That being said, he had been staying with me for the majority of the summer. It was usually just him and myself in the house, mother away at work and my siblings with our father. But, as the summer came to an end he had decided to move in with his own father, states away. As much as this broke my heart, I knew I couldn’t make him stay. And in all reality he was probably better off there. We decided to properly bid him farewell, we absolutely MUST throw a genuine high school party.

Now, we were definitely not the most popular kids in our very small, quirky school. So you could see why we didn’t expect more than 10-15 people to show up. But, to our amazement a good 50 people showed. Some who didn’t like us, some who were out closest friends, and one very handsome bus crush.

He seemed to have come out of nowhere, hugging me in a warm, inviting greeting. Sending shocks through my body and making my stomach do actual flips.

That was all we talked that night. He was caught kissing another girl, the same one he slept next to in my bed that night. One who wasn’t his girlfriend -Ms. Prom Queen- and one who wasn’t me. I was hurt, but nothing like what I had felt before.

I should also mention that my current boyfriend, who we will call Trenton, was there this night. Staying with us until the wee hours, talking to me as Brown lay next to his newest catch by the bonfire where no one was looking. Trenton didn’t stay, but he did come back.

We now come to approximately 11:30 in the morning. My friend and I just waking up, everyone who had stayed from the party gone from under their beer cans and bags of chips, only a mess left for us to clean. And then a knock came to our doors, a noise so foreign, something we hadn’t heard all summer.

Behind the door revealed Trenton, a little dirty from the few hours he had worked earlier in the morning, his breath still smelling of alcohol and his hair poking in different directions. Trenton was not close to us, never had been, I had hardly spoken to him until last night. Just imagine the shock on our faces when he stepped inside, a toothy grin plastered on his face.

I was incredibly curious as to what he could possibly be here for. Did he forget something? We all sat in a short lived, awkward silence. And then it came, Trenton had made a proposition. He wanted another party, smaller this time, only close friends. I reluctantly agreed and told him he could invite whoever, we would start at 9. And as I got ready I could only think about Trenton, and how this must mean we’re getting closer.

9 came quickly and we had a giant bottle of our small town’s cheapest vodka and whiskey, accompanied with a 24 pack of Bud Light. I had just three friends there, Trenton had brought one. And his name was Brown.

I hadn’t eaten much in a few days, living on the few dollars my friend and I had left from what we could swindle out of our parents. I had started to feel tipsy after just my first drink, not knowing then that both of these boys conspired to get me drunk, quick.

We first started with beer pong. The cups filled with water, mixed drinks in one hand and a ball in the other. I was on Brown’s team, and we were kicking a**. Our connection was thriving and I couldn’t have been happier, the nagging thought of his girlfriend fading with each sip of my drink.

And then it was break time. Time to take shots, really.

I stumbled into the hallway to find the bathroom and Brown had followed me, waiting outside the door for me to come out. As soon as my body was in his grasp he bombarded me with yet another hug, his skinny arms wrapping around my back and squeezing me tight. I wasn’t sure what to do and my mind was foggy, so I began to tell him how he’d hurt me. How I truly though he was going to ask me to prom and we would be together now. His response was as followed:

” Oh wow, I’m so sorry man. I wish we would’ve started talking sooner….” I lost my memories of what was in the middle but the end goes: ” And you’re, like, so hot…” Blah blah blah.

The small party continued on with a very drunk bunch of teenagers playing a game called quarters. In that time we drank the entire case of beer, followed by more shots.

This is where the bits and pieces fade, lost forever.

Brown had gone outside with the whiskey and in all honesty, I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t care right then. Because right then I was wedged behind the kitchen table, sliding closer to a very sad Trenton. Trying to focus on anything but his lips, he confessed that he had liked me. That all summer he couldn’t stop thinking about me, and how he couldn’t understand how no one had realized yet how truly amazing I was.

That was when we kissed, a very slobbery, drunken, first kiss. And I felt at peace, and my insides were burning with a passion, everything amplified with my very new teenage hormones. As we kissed, a slightly drunk Brown stumbled in, staring at us for what felt like seconds but was really minutes. I heard a wow followed by my name, and I looked up. My cheeks red from both the alcohol and the kiss.

It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened just then, and when it finally registered I stood up and left Trenton. Following Brown outside to apologize to him, tears stinging my eyes, feelings of regret and anger fueling my stumbling steps. I sat next to him and sobbed out an apology which quickly turned into my true thoughts. All of my pent up depression and loneliness came spewing out of my mouth. Things so personal and dark that I had never spoke even a drop of any of it to anyone. Anyone but Brown, all those months ago when he was my safe place.

And now here we were. Me crying in his lap, him telling me not to be sad because I was ‘so hot’ and ‘had a great a**,’ and my closest friend probably hitting at him and truly consoling me.

And then my mind skips.

A friend of my mom’s pulling into the driveway, me hiding by the house sobbing with brown, my friends telling her I was drunk and scared and going to bed.

And then it skips again

Me in the living room, behind a large towel my consoling friend was holding up as everyone sat on the couch watching. Me taking off my puke soaked shirt and exchanging it for an oversized one.

And it skips again.

A neighbor our age, one who was in love with me for years but now was dating a mutual friend and a very close friend of Brown’s, there to make sure Trenton didn’t drive home. Because Trenton was hurt, and angry, and I was off hiding with another guy. Then, I was hugging this neighbor, crying again to him, telling him how much I appreciated him as a friend. As he hugged me back he warned his close friend Brown not to hurt me, not to do anything with me, I was obviously too far gone and Brown was definitely sober enough to realize that.

And then it skips.

Me in the grass, telling Brown to stop. He comes up from giving me oral -somethig he had bragged about before,- and asks why. I tell him I’m embarrassed, I don’t like it. He stops, only to come up and kiss me.

Skips.

We’re in the dark, on a bed, I don’t know whose. I don’t know where in the house. We’re kissing. My consoling friend opens the door, no knock. Checking in on me, I realize then that we’re in my sister’s room, on her bed. I feel a little gross and look out the window as my consoling friend mumbles something to Brown. Something I later learned was a warning. Don’t touch her, don’t have s** with her, just get her to sleep. ‘ok’

Skip.

I’m going down on him and I come to a short realization of what is happening, I stop for a second.

Skip.

I’m on top of him and completely naked, his hand cupping my breast and pain sparking through my body. I tell him. It hurts. Can I stop? He laughs, his ego growing. ‘It hurts?’ I shrink a little, my coming to reality making me embarrassed again. It’s my first time I tell him. He stops thrusting as I lay still with his erection still in me. ‘Youre a virgin?’ Not anymore. I keep that to myself. He keeps thrusting.

Skip.

My clothes are back on, I haven’t a different bra on, I can’t find my phone. Neighbor is back to wake up brown and Trenton for work, I’m in my room, sleeping by myself. Neighbor says hi, tells me to sleep.

And then it’s approximately 11:30 am, the next day. Blood soaked my pants and the sheets. Still from losing my virginity, probably some spotting due to it all. My privates we’re sore, my eyes puffy, my lips chapped, my hair in a tangle, and my mind reeling. Trying to collect my thoughts I painfully sat up and looked for my friends. All but my roommate had left, not without cleaning all the cans, alcohol, and puke.

I told my friend I had lost my virginity. He was excited for me, I had finally nailed the guy I was after. My heart slowed as my true shame and guilt set in.

I didn’t let it show, not just then. I acted proud.

Brown apologized the next day. Said he shouldn’t have slept with me, and he told his girlfriend. Told her that we kissed, and I should say the same. They broke up. I haven’t really heard from him since.

• Share on Facebook