I am so terrified of women. I wish I had someone to talk to constructively. I really need someone. Long story short, I raped a lady when I was 22, in college. Got 3 years in jail. On probation for 10 years. I have to inform every woman I date about what I have done. It isn’t easy. Some dates left immediately, not even a good-bye. Two used it as an opportunity to abuse me. One I felt particularly close to- she and I were having s** and she whispered to me, “I could call the police and say you are r***** me and you’d go back to jail, where you belong you no good pig.” The other one I got close to used my past as an excuse to hurt my p**** and testicles and she hurt me really badly down there. It hurts to even repeat it.
I have been dating another woman for a year now. I want to marry her. I want kids with her. She is everything I could hope for- beautiful, intelligent, sweet.
But I am terrified of women. I am terrified of being alone with them. I am terrified they will hurt me. I am terrified of opening up s******* to her. What if I have a panic attack or cry during the middle of s**? My girlfriend is begging me for s** but I can’t give it to her beacuse I’m too afraid. I want to please her so badly but she will be just like all the others and either hurt me or humiliate me.
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I got to let it out. My 2nd girlfriend I had wanted to try handcuffs on both feet and hands. I went along with her, thinking she was going to make me feel good. I’m crying as I write this, but she took a small knife and cut the word ‘rapist’ on my erect penis. It’s a daily reminder-scar- of how my life doesnt matter. I can’t show my penis to the woman I want to marry. I even went to a dermatologist to see if she could get rid of the scar to help me heal emotionally. She told me I deserved it. Please, someone, tell me how I can heal and get over my fear of women. I really want a family.
I actually feel bad for you, in a way. Listen, man. I don’t know the story behind what happened to you when you were 22, and how you came to rape that woman, but let’s look at it this way, the woman you raped was made a victim, your victim. She, like most other survivors of sexual assault or trauma, is most likely in the same boat as you. She’s suffering. She’s probably afraid to be alone with men, afraid to trust, afraid to love. You’re suffering too
. You have done harm, and harm has been done to you in turn. You need to accept the equilibrium for what it is, don’t throw the universe off balance, because it always finds a way to correct itself.
I agree. What goes around comes around, in the nicest way possible. I feel bad but what my guy is saying here is lowkey true