last night my 3 year old daughter went to go see the Nutcracker ballet, produced by a youth ballet group. Her grandmother took her. After the show, she stayed and took pictures with the cast, including the young ballet students. unbeknownst to her, she accidentally ended up taking a picture with her secret 11 year old half sister!! without either girl knowing.

Im crying as I write this. Ive never told anyone. my wife doesnt know I have a child from last year of graduate school

Its been a terrible secret and source of guilt and pain for me as an absentee father.

We were in Boston that October 2006 as part of the program, and Kelly and I hit it off.. She was 29 and 3 years older than me; but she knew I was in a serious relationship with a live in girlfriend. It was just supposed to be a one weekend fling, a few one night stands or whatever. When we went to buy her cigarettes I forgot to get condoms, but it just didnt seem likely at all. She said shes never once missed a peroid.

Then that December of 2006, a week after final exams she called me on a Wednesday and said she needed to meet with me. I told her I had driven to stay with my girlfriends family in West Texas. She said she was down visiting family in New Orleans and that it was urgent – could I meet her there that Friday in New Orleans.

It was over 11 hrs away I said. She said that was fine, she would come to me if I made her, but that she figured I would rather go to see her to talk privately in New Orleans.

I drove to New Orleans to see Kelly that Friday, December 15th.

That night Kelly met me at a bar. (She was and still is a big drinker).

Thats when she told me she was pregnant.

The bottom of my world fell out again. She had missed her peroid, noticed during exams but said nothing. Then she finally took pregnancy tests. Sure enough she was pregnant

I tried to remain calm. I asked her what she wanted to do and I listened patiently.

She said that even though she was liberal and a democrat and super committed to womens rights, that she was still raised catcholic and when she got home there was just no way she could ever tell her mother she had an abortion

So she said she didnt think she could bring herself to have an abortion

I told her I 100% agreed. That I was completely against abortions too… she was surprised because I was so liberal on everything else… I told her I had an experience with an ex in 2005 that had changed my mind, but I didnt want to talk about it. she said ok

then I asked her if she wanted to get married

She just laughed

I told her I was serious

She laughed again and asked if i had asked my girlfriend

I said no.

Kelly held my hand and said “sweetie, I had a fantastic time, and one day youll be a great dad, but you and I don’t need to get married. I got this. I promise.”

She pretty much just told me she wanted to raise the baby alone and after graduation she would move in with her mom in New Orleans

I told her I could apply for jobs there

Kelly laughed again and said: thats sweet, but I really dont want you to change a thing – you have your litte girlfriend and your whole life planned out in Texas, you dont change that for me

She meant it. She really just wanted to raise the baby herself, and with her mom.

Being 26 and mortified of responsibility, I reluctantly took her up on her offer

we remained close friends and kept in touch via facebook

But Ive never met my 11 year old daughter where she knew me as her father

even though Kelly sends me pictures and puts them on facebook, its always so far away

Ive felt distant and removed from my firstborn always

Kelly assures me its better this way, better for everyone.

but it tears my heart out keeping this secret

never in a million years did I think my daughters grandmother would take her out to see the same Nutcracker where her half sister was performing

or that they would meet accidently – never knowing

I cant stop crying over this picture of my girls