I’m so f****** disgusting. I remember being about 8 years old and I don’t really know what really led up to me doing this, but I remember going into my mom’s room while she was taking a nap with my little brother. I had a knife in my hand. I never did anything to harm them, I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me. I love them to death, I have no clue what led up to that. My mom knows about that because I confessed it to a friend of hers and she told her. She didn’t get mad, but I think it frightened her. I also remember being around 9 and just learning about s**. I remember touching my little brother’s p****, I think because I was just confused and wanted to know exactly what it was. He was only a year or two old. I also remember being about the same age and when we were left alone, he let me put a Q-tip in his b***. I also have no clue why the f*** I thought that was okay. I just asked him if it hurt, I think. He said no. That’s all I remember. I also remember having tried to have s** with a female friend of mine, but she was wanting to as well, I didn’t force her too. I think she’s actually straight now, I don’t know though because we don’t really keep in touch anymore. I was only maybe 7 or 8 then. I’m technically a child-molester then, right? Because I touched my little brother. While he technically consented, and we were both minors, he was still a F****** TODDLER. I’m so disgusting. I hate myself. I wish I could burn that from my memory. I asked him today if he remembers that, he said no. I didn’t confess to it, I doubt I ever will. I just asked if he remembers anyone ever touching him when he was younger. Either way, I feel so gross and I want to cry but I can’t.
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I don’t think that makes you disgusting. It’s good that you realize that what you did is a bad thing, because doing things like that can really fuck up a person, but don’t beat yourself up about it. A 9 year old (as you said you were) shouldn’t really understand sex enough to touch their sibling, so it may be a fluke that you had the curiosity, or you may have been abused and not consciously remember it. Either way, it doesn’t mean you have to be so hard on yourself for something you did many years ago. What’s important is that you don’t do it again, so focus your effort and mentality on that instead of punishing yourself.
And as for your encounter with your female friend, that just sounds like a normal part of a person’s sexual development, so nothing out of the ordinary there. You might be gay or bi! Which is 100% ok, and not something you can change, so no use in being upset about it 🙂
I hope you can some day get some help for these memories you have because it sounds like it’s causing you a lot of anguish, but you shouldn’t hate yourself for it. That doesn’t help the situation, you know?
I second this. Look if you’re horrified by these memories it means you turned away from those red flag behavior stuff. Most kids develop a sense of empathic limitations around 3-5 but it took you a while. That’s ok. As long as you know that repeating such behavior with enough of a scope to see how it’d hurt people is awful then you’re okay.
All kids are scary psychos for a good bit of their development. I’m guessing you resented your brother for taking your mother away from you at the time and probably saw some knife scene in a movie and thought to replicate it.
If it helps at all I got a younger friend to poop in a litter box and I’d hit my head and talk about suicide as a kid all the time. Kids are just weird non person humans. I have my own so trust me it’s scary as hell (hug your mom) but normal enough (consider your reaction) that I’m going to assume you’re actually a normal person
Chill its fine. U were so young. As long as youre not a pedo now, it doesnt really matter! Dont sweat it