I met this guy online. He's a wonderful human being. I've never seen him, never talked to him outside of texting but I feel like I could fall for him

8 years

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I met this guy online. He’s a wonderful human being. I’ve never seen him, never talked to him outside of texting but I feel like I could fall for him easily. But I knew it was a lost cause seeing how we lived worlds apart. But he is a really good friend to me, almost on a best friend level so I was happy with having someone this wonderful in my life. But then he told me that he’s gone on a date and it was really great. And then one date turned to many and suddenly he had a boyfriend (he’s Bi) who he loves very much and who loves him just as much. I felt so jealous. It made me hate myself that I was jealous of my friend finding a good partner. And then came the s** talk. We’re both very frank in that sense, we’ve talked openly about our s***** lives (he’s much more experienced than me), and he started to tell me how wonderful the s** with his boyfriend was. Now I was jealous but at the same time turned on. He told me how they’ve been experimenting with different kinks and stuff and it all turned me on so much. I could actually get off on it. I felt ashamed. Here he was sharing in a friendly way and I was getting off on it. I felt disgusted with myself but I couldn’t stop. Then a few days ago he had s** with his boyfriend again and told me how it all went (not in detail, unfortunately, he’s not the heathen here I am), and how he discovered that he might have discovered that he likes light b****** apart from spanking too. Then he got talking of how wonderful it all felt and I was just left feeling this ugly mix of jealousy and arousal and I hated it. Then I made it all worse and just had to bring up this video I once watched where a guy came from just spanking and we got to talking about how it’s amazing that some people can come untouched. And he told me he can. His current boyfriend made him come untouched. The mental image wrecked havoc on my arousal.

And I thought it just might be s*****, that I’m just a sick person with some fucked up fetish but then he sends me these screenshots of his cute conversations with his boyfriend and I hate the ugly feeling I get. It all makes me almost wish I never met him.

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I used to go online, find girls to have online relations with. I was a teenager. It started from the start of high school, when I was 15. At worst was F, that was my bottom barrel. It was gross. I don’t know how old she was but she was younger. It was near the end, during the pandemic. I was older, she was younger. I don’t know how much younger, but I was 16 I think. She was younger. Like 2 or 3 years younger, I dunno? It was gross of me. I regret doing it but I fear my regret isn’t because of how I hurt someone, took advantage. They were ok with it in the moment, we were both on the same hookup site. But I was gross. No question about it. There was T too but that was a 16-18 age gap. I deleted the accounts. I was just gross.