I've displayed acts of animal(cat) abuse when I was a kid.. To the point of killing them. I've deeply regretted it, tore my hair out(figuratively) in a

8 years

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I’ve displayed acts of animal(cat) abuse when I was a kid.. To the point of killing them.
I’ve deeply regretted it, tore my hair out(figuratively) in a mental breakdown that nobody knew about. It still tears me apart to this day, I’m now over 20 years old.
It just tears me apart, “Am I a good person?” “I’ll never be a good person.” “I was born horrible.” “I should die.”
Didn’t help my depression.
I’ve realized that me doing that to those kittens was a form of repressed anger.. I had/have anger issues(I was molested by my older brother around the time I started hurting animals, I guess it stems from there). I will sometimes just completely burst unless I take a huge effort to take a deep breath and relax. And it scares me. That someday I’ll hurt someone I love, irrepairably. My children? Spouse?
Now I’ve raised countless of cats and kittens, I’ve had four generations of cats living in my house and they’ve gotten the best care. I guess I’m atoning or something..

Sometimes the guilt seeps back to me.. I start looking up connections of animal abuse to being a serial killer, a psychopath(didn’t help when my bestfriend called me a psycho before cutting ties with me). Am I really a bad person. Am I really born to be a bad person. Should I stick to that destiny?
I just.. Need to know that I’m doing okay.. That it’s in the past, that everything will be fine..
Or do I really have to just live with the fact that I’ll perish one day as an evil entity. Alone and hated.
A psychopath. Sometimes I feel better when I just embrace it. I’m just crazy anyway. Should I just set it free? Go on a rampage, a spree.. Get sent to a mental hospital and scream and claw at the walls and die.
Let go of all my dreams and hopes of having a better life and raising children with the person I love.
Someone so evil like me doesn’t deserve any of those.

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